Woman Taking Nap Without Setting Alarm Has No God, No Rules
“She is some sort of wild sleep heathen who may spend the rest of her days in slumber for all we know.”
‘Sorry, I’m So Bad at Texting,’ Says Friend Who Is Actually Bad at Friendship
Your friend seems to have forgotten that all friendship consists of is sending texts and making plans to hang out semi-regularly.
‘Can We Find a Bathroom? I Think I’m Gonna Throw Up,’ Says Woman About to Have Explosive Diarrhea
Maybe she was puking, out of her butt.
Writer Finally Achieves 10,000 Hours of Sitting in Coffee Shop
“Once I was there, I’d check my email, read reviews of skincare products online, and read the news for three hours.”
‘It’s Actually Cheaper For My Parents with Me on the Family Plan,’ Lies 30-Year-Old Woman
“I’m basically doing them a favor.”
Whew! This Affluent White Guy Says America Has Survived Worse
“In the grand scheme of things, this is all just a hiccup.”
Friend Complaining About Boyfriend Doesn’t Understand Why You Don’t Like Him
“It’s not fair that you suddenly don’t like him for whatever reason.”
‘Well THAT’S Strange,’ Says Shauna From Desk, a Second Time, Louder
“Is she talking to me? Who’s she talking to?”
Office Dog, Who Regularly Shits on Floor, More Valued at Company Than You
“When he shits on the floor? Well, that’s just him showing us he’s our healthy boy.”
Woman Looks Cool in Shorts?
“When I wear shorts I look like a middle schooler who Freaky Fridayed with her aunt.”
Asian Woman at Party Can’t Wait to Hear About Another Person’s Trip to Japan
“I just crave that misguided cultural appreciation.”
Woman Who Wants to Tell You in Person Just Wants to See the Panic in Your Eyes
“It made it even more special to feel your anxiety.”
Woman Who’s Been off Facebook for Years Suddenly Comes Back Out the Gate Swinging
She’s hopping from politics to restaurant recommendations to throwback photos and back to politics.
Woman Sends Annual ‘What’s Up’ Text to Friend With Pool
“As soon as the grass turns green I start missing her. I don’t know what it is!”