‘I Just Don’t Think a Woman Can Beat Trump Right Now,’ Says Man Who is the Reason For This
“I don’t like it, but I will do everything in my power to make sure it remains true.”
Senator Says The Only Acceptable Way To Kill A Fetus Is With a Gun
“An unborn child should have the same rights other American children do, including getting shot.”
‘I Want to Save Unborn Children,’ Says Senator Who Just Closed Seven Rural Hospitals
“I just hope we can make this kind of sweeping change for the entire country.”
‘If You Don’t Want a Baby, Keep Your Legs Closed,’ Says Man Who Jerks Off Five Times a Day
Kyle’s stance remains firm, so to speak.
Cat Remains on Bed for All of Sex
“He’s already been here through two orgasms, so I suppose he can just stay.”
Woman Will Pay Just About Anything For Beverages Containing Trace Amounts of Weed
“It really takes the edge off. At least I think it does.”
REPORT: Woman’s Bed For Sleeping On One Side and Leaving Trash On the Other
“Women will toss just about anything on there, from orange peels, loose contact lenses, even to full loaves of old bread.”
REPORT: Short Man Compensating With Shitty Personality
The doctor clarified that he would advise no one date Floyd, even pity dating.
Tinder Match Has No Idea This is All a Game to Jenny
“I don’t mean to get ahead of myself, but I get the feeling that this girl could be really special.”
Guy at Chipotle Building Your Burrito Like This is a Game to Him
Sources confirm that Brendan doesn’t understand the gravitas of the burrito-building process.
Barbie Claims She Just Gets Along Better with Kens
“I guess after years of catering to the dreams of young girls, she just needs a little male approval.”
White Woman’s Favorite Activity is Criticizing White Women
“Oh, cool, you love pizza and wine? White women are so lame and unoriginal.”
Breaking: Oven Doesn’t Work or Maybe Never Worked?
She reportedly turned on the oven and waited two hours before realizing the appliance had remained categorically not hot.
Iowa Voters Impressed by Pete Buttigieg’s Past Experience as a White Man
“He looks like he’s got a good head on those white shoulders.”
STUDY: Buy That Top Because You Ain’t Taking That Money To The Grave With You, Honey
“Our thorough research has given us strong indications that you should do you to the fullest.”
Pet Sitter Just Gonna Use Your House to Smoke Weed
“What’s your smoke detector situation like? Not for any particular reason, just wondering.”