I Discovered My Dishwasher was Actually a Human Being
I had thought Maria was a top-of-the-line South American brand. She was a real person and I had no idea.
Banned From FIT…Again
I just wanted to climb on top of the sneeze guard and flash my pink bits to the lunch crowd.
You Like Me? What is Wrong With You?
“In addition to being physically repulsive, I am a terrible, awful, boring, lame, human being.”
No Way In Hell is My Boyfriend Getting Out Of Apple Picking This Year
If he thinks he’s going to make it to November without painting miniature pumpkins and gourds, he is one sorely mistaken motherfucker.
I Shot Someone
I’m just your typical average girl. I grew up in the suburbs, attended a major university, and dine out several...
Jennifer Lawrence Will Show Me Her Boobs When She’s Good And Ready
I’ve never forgotten that she’s a human being, and she’s really going to appreciate how chill and unfazed I am when we first meet.
I Was a Rich Person Trapped in an Upper-Middle Class Person’s Body
I became addicted to generic Valium—I could never afford the name-brand stuff in quantity.
It’s the Little Things in Life, Like Knowing Your Family is Getting Enough Fiber
“Hey, those kids, me and my husband, we’re all full of fiber, and we’re gonna be alright.”
My Sister’s Wedding is Not All That It Seems
I’m still coming from having all that rice thrown at me.
Whatever Happened To: That Bitch
That bitch is currently single and not as pretty as she used to be.
All These Headlines About Police Brutality Are Breaking My Heart As I Scroll Past Them
I’ve been experiencing depressing headlines about police brutality, then quickly moving on to something else, for my entire life.
I Actually Did Come on this Reality Show to Make Friends
I don’t want to walk out of here with a cash prize. I just want to form deep and lasting connections.