5 Baby Goats That Would Give You Their Extra Adderall if They Had It Unlike Your Stupid Sister Why can’t your sister be this chill?
3 Mother’s Day Gifts That Won’t Be as Good as Getting into Harvard 15 Years Ago It didn’t even need to be Harvard; it could have been any Ivy League.
QUIZ: Do They Have Their Shit Together or Do They Just Hang Their Pans on The Wall in The Kitchen? Technically you could do this, too, but, like, what do you even need?
QUIZ: Were Your Parents Really Hot Once or Were They Just Young? Sort of John Hughes vibes, in that they are young people without wrinkles.
How to Stay Humble Even Though You Just Walked Somewhere Without Using Google Maps You literally possess a god-like skill that no human has ever achieved.
6 Places We’re Visiting as Soon as the Pandemic Ends So We Can Try to Get the Next One Going We’re going and we’re mouth-breathing.
Words to Use Instead of ‘Crazy’ Unless You’re Talking About Tyra Banks Crazy as in, having the contestants of America’s Next Top Model do a “homeless themed” photoshoot.
How to Stay Hydrated Even Though It’s Literally the Most Boring Thing in the World Incorporate water slides, Nerf guns, and sexy car washes.
QUIZ: Did You Have a Nice Time With Friends or Did You Say Something Stupid and Now They All Hate You? Learn to read the room!
4 Positive Affirmations That Your Mom Will Undermine with One Comment It’s okay, just take a deep breath and drown out her voice by screaming inside your mind for a little.
How to Write a Cover Letter Without Sounding Like a Pathetic Sniveling Little Suck-up Describe your physical features in excessive, complimentary detail.
How to Argue for Permanent Work-from-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation Remember: the first step toward taking care of yourself is taking care of yourself.
How to Journal Without Trying to Convince Your Journal That You’re Cool Convince your journal that you were cool once, but it got tiring, and now you’re laying low.
How to Combat the Anxiety of Re-Entering Society by Wearing a Thundershirt Under All of Your Clothes You can also reuse this in the future to get out of jury duty!
QUIZ: Are You Nervous About Going Back to Normal or Are You a 300-Year-Old Sorceress Whose Youth Spell Lifts at Dawn? Take this quiz to find out!
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