How to Be Sexy Even Though You Never Flip Your Spoon Upside Down to Lick It Have him saying, “Even though you lick your spoon the normal way – like the concave side up – I still feel attracted to you in this moment!”
‘It’s Actually Good You Didn’t Call,’ Says Grandma Playing Hard to Get “What the fuck is going on? Who taught my grandma about negging?”
How to Keep First Dates Cheap and Low-Pressure by Bailing on Them Last Minute Make sure to bail at the very last minute, though, or else your date might actually believe your excuse and try to reschedule.
Attempt to Be More Present in Life Robs Woman of Rich Online Experiences “Doesn’t she know she could be watching YouTube videos and commenting ‘who’s watching this in 2023?'”
How to Make Coffee at Home Even Though It Lacks a Certain Je Nais Sais Quoi It won’t come close to whatever the fuck the tatted 23-year-old from Oberlin is doing.
How to Enjoy Your Brief, Grand Existence on This Earth Even Though It Is 3:30 p.m. Think of how much fun you’ll have at 7, and even 9 p.m.
How to Clean Your Home So Well It Feels Like You Don’t Deserve to Live There In just 20 short minutes, your apartment will be unrecognizable in a scary way!
QUIZ: Is Your Mom Upset With You or Is She Just Thinking About Princess Diana Again? Is she whispering, “Such a shame…such a shame…” under her breath?
How to Be Effortlessly Chill Even Though You’ll Never Be a Bossa Nova Song Try to embody the relaxation of rhythmic Latin drums and hypnotic dulcet guitar.
QUIZ: Are Your Boobs Bigger Because You’re PMS-ing or Did the Blood Sacrifice Finally Work? Hath the blood sacrifice, at long last, come to fruition?
How to Love Yourself Even Though There Will Always Be Loose Grains of Rice on Your Floor Sure, you’re a messy bitch who always spills the rice – but that doesn’t mean you’re undeserving of love!
How to Stay Mindful When You Never Know What’s Going On When you’re frequently lost in conversations and in physical space, it can be tough to quiet your thoughts.
How to Enjoy Sex Even Though Women’s Soccer Is Probably On Right Now Focus on living in the moment and breathing in sync. You know who else is in sync? England’s team.
How to Get Your Mom to Accept Your ADHD Diagnosis by Becoming a Small Unruly Boy Sure, you’re a quiet 28-year-old, but that’s not doing you any favors in convincing your mom that your ADHD is legit.
How to Use the Bathroom at Someone Else’s House Without Asking if They Have One Ask yourself: Am I comfortable looking like a fool?
How to Sleep Knowing Someone Is Counting How Many Spiders Go in Your Mouth Enlist the help of a trusted friend to watch you sleep.
How to Harness the Reckless Nonchalance of a Celebrity Carrying a Laptop Do you care if your $2,000 MacBook slips out of your grip and shatters on the sidewalk? No!
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