DUDE CORNER: I Would Like to Come Back Into Your Life to Tell You How Well I’m Doing There are a lot of people who really like me now, and I need you to know that.
Why It’s Rude to Be on Your Phone at a Restaurant Unless You Just Needed to Google Something Really Quick While being on your phone at a restaurant is objectively impolite, googling is okay because you’re providing something for the table.
I Miss the Good Old Days When a Macy’s Parade Balloon Would Kill Someone Every Once in a While There’s nothing like a 70-foot Snoopy balloon barreling toward you to remind you to cherish the little things in life.
I LIVED IT: I Retold a Story From Childhood and Realized I Was a Bully What the fuck? But this doesn’t align with my narrativized sense of self at all!
DUDE CORNER: Relax It’s Not Going to Be That Bad It’s starting to get hard to comfort you, not that I’ve tried.
DUDE CORNER: Trump Doesn’t Really Mean What He Says, Unless I Agree With Him It’s actually embarrassing that you didn’t understand he was joking, because he clearly was.
How I Finally Got In-Unit Laundry by Moving Into a Washing Machine Does it suck that my entire apartment spins whenever I use it? Yes.
I LIVED IT: I Made Fun of Myself and My Friend Added to the Bit Instead of Correcting Me What the hell?
I LIVED IT: My Computer Died Even Though I Only Had 25 Tabs Open and 3 Movies Playing How could such basic functions have brought my computer to its knees?
I’m Not a Passenger Princess. I’m a Trunk Troll. Passenger princesses are regal, chic, and captivating. Trunk trolls are in the trunk.
I LIVED IT: My Healing Was Linear but It Was Linear Downward It has been a line straight to rock bottom.
Here’s Why I Value Having a Clean Apartment––Wait, No, Don’t Look in That Closet That’s not the bathroom! Close that door!
DUDE CORNER: Get Ready to Hear Me Type I will be using fingers you’ve never really seen to touch letters you’d never expect.
I LIVED IT: I Told My Friend to Stop Me if I’ve Told Them This and They Actually Did You think this conversation is some kind of democracy? Nuh uh, babe. I’m in charge!
Dude Corner: They Won’t Even Let You Be a Corrupt City Mayor Anymore You can’t even commit the smallest bit of bribery and wire fraud and conspiracy and solicitation of a campaign contribution by a foreign national (x2).
How I Stopped Putting Off the Important Things and Started Committing Social Security Fraud Now There’s actually no time like the present to start!
DUDE CORNER: My Attachment Style Is No I took a quiz online about four years ago, and my computer exploded.
I LIVED IT: I Had 10 Extra Dollars so I Spent 70 Extra Dollars I surveyed my $10 buying options and found them to lack a certain je ne sais quoi.
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