I LIVED IT: I Went to a Big Group Dinner and We All Ordered the Same Thing The echoes of “I’ll have the same thing” still ring in my ears. All 12 of us ordered the same exact pasta dish.
I LIVED IT: I Did My Hair but the Meeting Turned Out to Be Cameras-Off Then why did I wake up three hours in advance of my 8 a.m. call?
DUDE CORNER: I Don’t Have Any STIs Because I’ve Never Been Tested I’m so beyond getting tested that all my buddies call me “fire crotch.”
Why I Define My Success by How Many Beauty Services I Can Afford It’s much more fun to measure productivity by vampire facials and tans.
I LIVED IT: I Brought Lunch so I Had to Eat the Lunch I Brought I thought bringing lunch would be just like buying lunch, only cheaper. Little did I know, it actually sucks ass.
Why I’m Glad Lauren Boebert Was at That Beetlejuice Performance Because No One Noticed Me Taking a Shit in the Aisle Thank you so much, congresswoman!
Why I Don’t Believe in Astrology Unless It Reaffirms Something I Already Thought Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I LIVED IT: I Was Older Than the Main Character in a Movie There is no reason for any main character to be younger than me.
Why Him Running Over a Family of Four With His Car Gave Me the ‘Ick’ I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something immediately felt off!
How I’m Healing My Inner Child by Only Eating Foods Shaped Like Cartoon Characters Who knew emotional security was only a scoop of Arthur-shaped mac and cheese away?
DUDE CORNER: You Wouldn’t Get It I can’t explain this to you, babe. I can’t explain this. You simply would not get it.
I LIVED IT: My Catholic Grandma Lit a Candle for Me and I’m Still $100,000 in Debt What’s going on? This isn’t supposed to happen.
I LIVED IT: I Took an Edible to Sleep but Ended Up Eating a Third Dinner I guess it’s called the devil’s lettuce for a reason.
Why I’m Not Having Kids Because I Can’t Go Nine Months Without Riding a Rollercoaster Have I considered the possibility of just riding the coaster anyway if I do wind up pregnant? Of course.
Why I Quit My Underpaying Job of Killing Spotted Lanternflies I’m formally asking the New York State government for compensation.
How I Survived My Family Vacations by Not Going to Them I avoided all the inevitable family fights in exchange for sitting on my couch.
I LIVED IT: I Played a Cool Song at a Party but Everyone Was Fucking Talking My song is on, you fools! My perfect song!
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