Why I Want Kids so I Have Someone to Pass My Debt on to When I Die I don’t have any earthly possessions to pass on.
I LIVED IT: Someone Left the Party When I Was Planning My Exit and I Had to Stay Another 20 Minutes I have nothing left to talk about with any of these people, and I’m frightened.
How I Finally Cut Down My Screen Time by Getting Really Into God It’s easier to resist the pull of Instagram when you’re concerned about the fate of your soul.
I LIVED IT: I Had to Wear Sunglasses Even Though My Eyes Are My Best Feature Sure, my eyes weren’t strained by direct sunlight anymore, but at what cost?
I LIVED IT: My Hot Rodent Boyfriend Dumped Me for Some Cheese I saw him at our favorite restaurant with a measly slice of American cheddar.
I LIVED IT: I Had to Wear Underwear Other Than the Two Pairs I Like The rest of my underwear is lingerie or really ugly.
I LIVED IT: I Asked How Blue My Tongue Was After Having a Popsicle and Got Told ‘Not That Blue’ Suddenly, I was cold and alone in the adult world again.
Why I Always Blend Makeup With My Ring Finger Before Using My Whole Hand to Rub My Eye There’s just nothing quite like it!
I LIVED IT: I Had to Wear a Real Bra How could I be expected to think when my titties were caged in a brutalist chamber?
I LIVED IT: Someone Asked Me What I Do for a Living What did they expect me to say? My job title? I don’t think so.
I LIVED IT: It Was Too Hot to Install My A/C When it’s hot out I don’t want to put the A/C in, and when it’s cold out I also don’t want to put the A/C in.
Why I Stopped Using Dating Apps and Started Dating My Daughter’s Childhood Celebrity Crushes I realized that my dating life could flourish if I only dated men my daughter was obsessed with in the seventh grade.
I LIVED IT: Mean Person From High School Still Hot But outward beauty is, of course, a sign of merit!
Why I Refuse to Go Home With a Guy Unless He Impresses Me With His Iridescent Breeding Plumage He must possess 200 to 300 breathtaking tail feathers and know how to flare them just so.
I LIVED IT: The Boots Were Not Actually Waterproof If combat boots can be worn in combat, then why wouldn’t they be able to manage in the rain?
Why I’m Going on a Silent Retreat After Realizing How Much I Talked at the Hang Last Night It’s time I check myself, lower my voice, and simply listen for seven straight days, with an optional two-day extension for extra silence.