I had an amazing time with my friends last night: We laughed, chatted, and spoke in equal amounts. Or so I thought. As soon as I awoke this morning, I was hit with the sobering realization that I kind of dominated the hang last night. While it was happening, I thought I was making space for everyone, but it’s now clear I basically gabbed my head off. Here’s why I’m checking myself into a silent retreat after realizing how much I talked last night.
It’s important to hold oneself accountable, which is why I’m ready and willing to say I yapped up a hoot at my friend’s party. I got a little bit too comfortable and forgot that I had to hide my inner self. I followed Natasha Bedingfield’s instructions too well, released my inhibitions a little too hard, and pretty soon I was laughing way louder than everyone, and I’m sure it was torturous. If I wasn’t yelling my own stories, I was loudly interjecting into others’. I believe in karmic balance, which is why it’s time I spend the week at Silent Reflections, a program where I intend to reconnect with my more demure, shy self.
This retreat isn’t just about reflection, though; it’s about atonement. I assume that pretty soon, my friends are going to ask me for a list of tangible steps I’m taking to change my behavior. Through activities like silent yoga, silent disco, and “silent pizza social,” I’ll sufficiently repent for asking my friend Giannis to tell the story of how he met his girlfriend four different times.
It is my hope that when this program is finished, I won’t be obnoxious anymore. Sure, none of my friends explicitly said I was being obnoxious – in fact, one of them just texted me, “So great to hang at last! You’re a riot, man! Never dull your shine or lower your voice for anyone” – but I’m pretty sure they just don’t know how to confront me. It’s time I check myself, lower my voice, and simply listen for seven straight days, with an optional two-day extension for extra silence.
It shouldn’t be my friends’ responsibility to call me out – or rather, in. It’s my own. After this silent retreat, I look forward to attending parties the normal way: standing in the corner saying nothing until I inevitably leave after 25 minutes.
