Woman Decides to Briefly Consider Reading ‘Jane Eyre’ Every 3 Years for Rest of Life
At press time, Emma was toying with the idea of picking up a copy of Ulysses.
98% of Woman’s Opinions Come From Strangers’ Tweets She Doesn’t Fully Remember
The remaining 2% of her opinions are about the death penalty and which Sex and the City girl is the best.
Unbelievable! This Man Listens to Jazz, The Most Interesting Music
As one of Jared’s jazz songs would say: bebop bop be bebop [trumpet sound]!
Wite-Out Celebrates 60 Years of Being Nail Polish of Choice for Girls in Study Hall
“It isn’t about hiding mistakes, it’s about second chances and trying bold ideas without fear.”
Woman Finally Taken Off Hold Right As She Stuffs Spoonful of Peanut Butter in Mouth
“Host on jussa seg.”
Party Guests Having Playful Debate About Pickles Both Internally Despairing Over State of Nation
Little did the birthday girl know, her friends are both dead inside.
Woman Kind of Mean For Someone With Adorable Little Fruit Earrings
“I blame the cool-ization of cutesy quirkiness,”
Cat Furious at You for Singing Made-Up Song About Her
“Your fur is soft, and your feet are small/You are so cute, I’m going to die,”
Man Treats His Sneakers With Tenderness Unknown to Girlfriend
“She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”
Study Reveals Libraries Honestly Cool as Fuck
“We systematically evaluated libraries based on vibes, rad levels, and general chillness,”
Uh Oh! Friend on Hike Wants to Keep Going
“We came to be outside, and we’re outside. We’re not going to win hiking.”
4 Out of 5 of These Scientists Will Agree with Whatever You Want if You Just Stop Crying
Friend Blames ‘Weird Moon Energy’ for Lost AirPods Again
Your friend actually hasn’t downloaded Co-Star herself yet because she forgot her Apple ID password.
Woman’s Financial Plan Just Patiently Waiting for Parents to Die
Casey appeared somewhat uncomfortable as she realized her great-grandmother just turned 102.