Christmas List Making It Too Obvious You Can’t Afford Basic Necessities You scrawled, “This month’s rent???” at the very top of your list.
Mom Insists You’ll Change Your Mind About Not Wanting to Get Your Asshole Ripped Open During Childbirth Your mom remains insistent that one day you’ll see the error of your ways.
Woman’s Meal-Prepping Ambitions Stopped at First Dirty Tupperware The human body isn’t made to do that much work.
Awesome! Friends Laughing at How Ugly You Look in That Picture Again “I thought this would die out after we discovered the photo of Jamie posing with a dolphin.”
Excitement of Receiving Nude Outweighed by Anxiety of Formulating Response “It’s just an absolute minefield.”
Woman’s Self-Care Just Engaging in the Seven Deadly Sins “I needed to engage in the rest of the seven deadlies in order to truly nurture my mind, body, and soul.”
‘I Would Start Running, but It’s Bad for My Knees,’ Says Woman Who Sits Like Gollum for 10 Hours Everyday “I’m just looking out for my body.”
Woman at an Age Where She Uses Phrases Like ‘I’m at an Age Where…’ She has been steadily building toward this for her entire life.
Woman Leaves Cryptic Message in Notes App for Future Self to Decipher “I mean, what am I supposed to make of that?”
Nice! This Woman Said She Would Clean Her Bathtub Tomorrow, But Then She Died The activities of her final night were well aligned with her true values.
REPORT: Woman Just Needs to Lie on Floor for an Hour and Then She’ll Be Ready to Go “She will not be ‘ready to go’ for weeks, let alone tonight.”
REPORT: If You’re Gonna Pee I Might as Well Go Too “Life is too short to spend so much of it wondering if you should go pee.”
Woman Crumbling Under Intense Pressure to Relax in Bath “I was burning and surrounded by flames, much like actual Hell.”
Woman Who Thought She Wanted Rough Sex Actually Just Wanted to Ride Space Mountain “I just loved the idea of being in the dark and getting thrown around.”
How Driving Twitter Into the Ground Could Be Elon Musk’s Only Positive Contribution to Society The whole company might just go bankrupt before it has time to end democracy.
Woman at Most Creative When Imagining Reasons to Call Into Work The excuses she comes up with during these moments of pure creative momentum are nothing short of brilliant.
Woman Risks Entire Career, Livelihood for 15 More Minutes of Sleep Her professional reputation and overall employment are on the line almost every morning she wakes up.
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