Disney to Remove Racist Characters from Splash Mountain, While Keeping Racist Characters in Hall of Presidents “That’s just the magic of Disney.”
Alternate Life Briefly Imagined Following Mom’s Comment That You Were Almost Named ‘Penelope’ You would have been unique, like a diamond in the rough.
26-Year-Old Still Pretends Smarties are Medicine Even Though She’s on 7 Prescription Medications “They’re so cute! And they make me smartie-er when I take them right before I have to use my brain!”
Dad Remarkably Consistent in Learning of Celebrity Deaths Two Days After They Are News Sources report the secret is not being on Twitter 12 hours a day.
Indian Woman Thinks Protests Are Pointless, Forgets How Colonization Ended “America isn’t even that racist anymore.”
Aunt Who Makes Yearly Scene at Christmas Thinks Your Activism is ‘A Little Dramatic’ “Why are liberals always crying over stupid crap like this?” your aunt continued.
Biden Says VP Pick Is Between Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and A Beautiful Lady Ostrich “What really matters is that she’s female,” Biden repeated.
Bra Furlough Extended “I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed,” says your former head bra, underwire division.
White Woman Doing The Hard Work of Saying, ‘I Have a Lot of Hard Work to Do’ “Looks like my work is done here.”
‘Stop Attacking Me!’ Says Woman When Presented With Facts “I would really appreciate it if you stopped attacking me and fucked right out of here with your stupid and rude opinions,”
Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Updating Centuries-Old, Failing Institution Updates Phone Software Once a Week That’s some impressive cognitive dissonance!
Boozy Brunch Actually Less Fun With Constant Fear Of Dying “It really seems like there are negative reasons to go.”
‘Haha Yeah, Impeach Barr,’ Says Woman Who Definitely Knew You Could Impeach Non-Presidents Before This Week “That’s totally something that can be done and that I have always known could be done.”
STUDY: This Study Will Be Retracted by Tomorrow “We’re almost sure of it. And that’s exactly why we’re releasing this study.”
Houseparty App Introduces Empty Room Where Socially Anxious People Can Hang Out With a Cat “You can still go to the bathroom, but everyone will know that’s what you’re doing.”
Delightful Anecdote Put on the Backburner Larissa is responsibly saving the joyful story for a time when the world isn’t so on fire.
Still No Vaccine, But You Are Allowed to Engage in Riskier Behavior It’s a lot better than being stuck inside my apartment. Why did we even do that?”
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