Roommates Who Can’t Afford to Live Alone Accidentally Growing Old Together “She’s five years into what’s looking to be a long life with some rando she met on Craigslist.”
REPORT: Everyone Can See That You’re Singing the Alphabet Song in Your Head to Remember the Order of the Letters Sources confirmed that it was extremely obvious when you stared blankly into the distance with your lips moving slightly.
New Study Shows Engaging in Online Discourse Is Equivalent to Smoking 5 Packs of Cigarettes “Reading discourse can be pretty stressful and posting your own two cents about it can be much worse.”
Dad Seeing His Shadow Signals Approach of Tax Season A large crowd gathered outside your dad’s house early this morning to partake in the tradition.
Woman Planning Out Next Few Weeks Pencils In Inevitable Mysterious Ailment “I’ll probably hope that I wake up feeling better but odds are I’ll wake up feeling even worse.”
REPORT: Athletic Tape Seeming Kind of Dramatic Sources confirm you made it clear to everyone around you that you also thought the whole thing was overblown.
Study Finds if You Walked There You’re Allowed to Take a Plane Back “Everyone agreed that from an energy efficiency standpoint, you totally deserve this.”
Study Finds 80% of Women Are Wearing the Wrong Size Breasts “The right boobs for you are out there, but they’re probably not on your chest right now.”
Woman Feels Like She Practically Just Did Laundry Three Weeks Ago “The cycle of constantly having to do laundry every 21-40 days is really breaking me down.”
Woman Going Out of Her Way to Avoid Celebrity so They Know She’s Cool “Right now, she’s probably thinking, ‘That girl is so cool for not noticing me at all.'”
Woman a Hard Worker Unless She’s Tired, Hungry, or Doesn’t Feel Like It “There’s a good two days every month when my mental, emotional, and physical states align in such a way that I am capable of doing my work.”
‘I Hate Disney Adults,’ Says Money Adult “They just keep going back to Disney? They’ll never be satisfied!” Rachel added, seemingly unaware that she was describing her exact relationship to money.
Christian Judge Announces Only Appropriate Ways to Start a Family Are Virgin Birth and Sex With Him “Any other method used to start a family is immoral and unethical.”
Woman Too Tired to Maintain Sleep Schedule “Do you know how long it’ll take me to train myself to go to sleep at 10 p.m. every night?”
Woman Doesn’t Care About Members of the Royal Family Unless They Haven’t Been Seen for Two Months “So, what do you guys think?”
‘Well Now It Sounds Mean,’ Says Woman Whose Friend Just Repeated Her Statement Back to Her “Like, I wouldn’t put it that way.”
American Girl Doll Hospital Just a Field Where They Shoot the Dolls in the Head “It’s all about putting them out of their misery.”
Unlikely! Hot Friend Relates Francesca expected to be relatable, but each just ended up being an extremely specific Hot Person Experience.