‘We Support the Right to Freedom of Expression,’ Says University Official Who’s Trying to Contact the National Guard “No one should be scared to express themselves on campus,” NYU spokesperson Larry Houston told reporters, while holding his phone to his chest.
Columbia University Qualifies That Students Only Allowed to Stage Protest if It’s Quiet and Ineffective “In fact, some of our best brochure materials come from silly little student protests that I think are just darling.”
REPORT: Just Because Fake Plant Doesn’t Need Water Doesn’t Mean It Wouldn’t Like Some “You’d offer a guest a glass of water, no matter how fake they were, wouldn’t you?”
Woman Who Actually Finished a Book Finally Starting to See What All the Fuss Is About “It wasn’t about finishing the book so I could say I’d finished it or reading 10 pages a day because I ‘probably should.'”
Woman Who Deleted TikTok Has Nothing Left to Talk About “People keep referencing viral sounds, and I have no clue what they’re talking about. You sound crazy!”
Wow! Woman’s Favorite Movie Is Whichever One She Just Saw “It’s like…yeah, that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”
Woman Always Keeping Mental List of Who She Would Take on ‘The Amazing Race’ Ivy’s number one consideration when ranking someone on the list is whether they can “drive stick.”
Methods Woman Took to Reach Age 106 Do Not Sound Worth It Honestly it just sounds like too much trouble.
Woman Permanently Off-Balance From Always Wearing Tote Bag on Same Shoulder “It’s kind of like ‘sea legs’ but with tote bags.”
REPORT: Sure, Man Could Go for Some Kids “It sounded more like he was suggesting we split a plate of fries.”
‘You’re My Muse,’ Says Man Who Is Going to Steal All Your Ideas and Pass Them Off as His Own “What? She inspires me! Is that so bad?”
‘I’ve Been Running Around All Day,’ Says Friend Who Just Drove to Target and Back “Today has just been go, go, go.”
REPORT: Barista Does Find You Annoying “Every barista has a banger personality, and it’s your fault 100% of the time if they seem short with you.”
Study Finds Magnesium Pill You Took Three Years Ago Still Making Its Way Down Your Esophagus “Each subsequent pill you take just causes a magnesium pill back-up.”
Woman Who Reads One Book per Week Still Can’t Read the Room “She misreads situations more often than the average person even though she reads more books than the average person.”
‘School Never Taught Us About Taxes,’ Says Woman Who Wouldn’t Remember It Even If They Had When asked how many branches there are in the US government, she confidently answered, “Five.”
Study Finds You’re Not Bad With Money, You’re Just Good at Buying Clothes You’ll Never Wear “No one’s ever framed my impulse-shopping as a skill before.”
Woman Loves Doing a Good Job but Not as Much as She Loves Doing a Mediocre Job and Leaving Early Jane has never chosen “doing good work” over “doing borderline bad work and leaving before five.”