STUDY: Buy That Top Because You Ain’t Taking That Money To The Grave With You, Honey “Our thorough research has given us strong indications that you should do you to the fullest.”
Pet Sitter Just Gonna Use Your House to Smoke Weed “What’s your smoke detector situation like? Not for any particular reason, just wondering.”
BREAKING: This Kohl’s Cash Isn’t Gonna Spend Itself No one, not a single soul, is going out to get those deals for you.
Woman Apparently Only Buys Shaky Dogs “‘I’ll be damned if she doesn’t seem to get herself the most vulnerable, horrified, shook dogs I’ve ever seen.'”
Kim’s InstaStory of Concert Somehow Longer Than Concert? “It was just like being there. And being there. And still being there.”
Interviewer Wants To Know Why You’re Excited To Work At His Shitty Company “You are aware that this job kind of sucks, right?”
Woman Stays at Target Six Hours Longer Than Initial Estimate Greta reportedly left Target an hour before closing, around 11pm.
Iowa Voters Impressed by Pete Buttigieg’s Past Experience as a White Man “He looks like he’s got a good head on those white shoulders.”
‘I’m Feeling Good These Days,’ Says Woman Who Clearly Does Not Get NYTimes Notifications “Sources confirm that the devastating news cycle has kept many of Sammy’s friends awake for various reasons.”
Uh-Oh! Dad Has Added Brother To ‘Shit List’ “Once you get on that list it’s hard to come back from it.”
BREAKING: We’re Doing Shots Bar patrons could sense the chaos ensuing, claiming to have heard shouts of, “Bitch get in here!” and “Where’s Carly???”
Girl From High School Obsessed With Hedgehogs Actually Owns Hedgehog Now “There’s Anna on her Facebook stories, just stuffing that thing’s face with bugs every single day.”
Trader Joe’s Employee Wants to Be Clear They Have to Card EVERYONE “‘I mean sure, I don’t look 20. But he could’ve let me have that thrill. Just for a moment.'”
Darlene Frantically Thinking of Something She Hasn’t Eaten or Done Since Ash Wednesday “’I just haven’t pinpointed something specific that I’m sacrificing.'”
Man Just Prefers Movies From Before Women Made Them “It’s like people stopped taking film seriously at almost the exact same time that women started making them.”
Man Who Brought Immeasurable Amounts of Pain To Your Life Wants To Be Friends Again Jason feels that he is a new person now.
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