REPORT: Woman Totally Fine as Long as She Does Week’s Worth of Work in Next 25 Minutes “FUCK, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Food Desert? This Woman Has No Groceries and Doesn’t Want to Go Outside Unfortunately, examples of food deserts like this in US cities have become all too common.
Woman Checks Her 2024 New Years’ Resolutions Because She Loves to Hurt Her Own Feelings “Release one (1) album by November.”
Playlist That Started Out Cohesive Now Just List of Every Song Woman Has Ever Liked “Any time I liked a song, I’d kind of just stick it in ‘Brooding Morning’ to remember it for later.”
REPORT: It’s Fine for Your Friends to Rehash the Same Topics, but When You Do It Everyone Hates You “It’s normal for everyone else, but it’s super rude of you.”
‘I Feel Like the Day Is Getting Away From Me,’ Says Woman Who Is Going to Sit Motionless for the Next Six Hours “There it goes,” Liv said cryptically at 4:30 p.m. once the sun had begun to set.
Woman Who Bought Herself Flowers on a Whim Now Suspicious That She Did It out of Guilt “God, I am one conniving bitch.”
Woman Spends Week Comforting Men in Her Life About the Tragic Loss of Her Rights “Dan really needed a hug today, I guess.”
‘Everything Happens for a Reason,’ Says Woman Who Has Never Actually Been Through Shit What would she know?
Woman Choosing Perfume Trying to Decide Which Smell Will Best Haunt Her Next Ex In a story that highlights the importance of both thinking ahead and being an evil mastermind, 25-year-old Heidi Wilkins is...
Fibonacci Sequence! Day-Late Reply to Text Leads to Two-Day-Late Reply, Then Three-Day, and Onwards Math is all around us!
Aww! White Lady Still Thinks This Is Not Who We Are as a Nation Reporters calmly explained slavery, Jim Crow, poll taxes, grandfather clauses, Japanese internment, the Vietnam War, the Iraq War, and a few other things.
Boys Inspired to See That Someday They Can Grow Up to Be the Most Powerful Sexual Predator in America Boys everywhere rejoiced by lighting off fireworks and becoming brazenly touchy with the people around them.
REPORT: Quality of Cups Going Down Exponentially as More Guests Arrive “Does no one bring their own glass to a party anymore? Jesus, people, prepare!”
Aww! Pregnant Wife Inspires Man to Start Training for Marathon Training is taking up the free time that could otherwise be spent doing literally anything to help his wife.
Woman Retires After Long, Fulfilling Life Spent Trying to Find a Job “Nadine will certainly be missed. She was always posting on LinkedIn.”
Woman Throws Duvet Cover in With Rest of Laundry Like Adding Shark to Fish Tank “She has to know that the duvet cover is going to eat those clothes up in seconds.”
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