Woman Spends Day Mostly Just Combining Uppers and Downers Georgia’s heart rate is sitting at a very concerning 90 beats per minute.
Woman Taking Steps to Curb Negative Self-Talk or Some Stupid Shit Like That “At least that’s my latest stupid fucking idea.”
Woman Uncertain Which Personality to Use With New Acquaintances “Shy? Loud? Mean? Nice? Rude? Not rude?”
TV Being So Good Directly Correlated to Everything Else Being So Bad “We’ve suspected this correlation ever since Mad Men reached its artistic height during the 2008 recession.”
Woman Only Able to Enjoy Movie If She Talking During It “What’s the point if you can’t whisper-yell a stream-of-consciousness style play-by-play of each scene?”
Man Only Ever Makes Plans for Next 48 Hours “As long as I’m always planning for tomorrow, I always have plans!”
Democrats Blocked From Entering Capitol Building Due to ‘Push’ Door Labeled ‘Pull’ “We kept pulling and pulling but it didn’t do any good.”
Trump Not So Against Gender-Affirming Care When It’s His Own Hair Transplant “It’s strange that he’s decided to ban gender-affirming care for trans people considering he’s such a fan of the stuff himself.”
