Woman Who Bought Herself Flowers on a Whim Now Suspicious That She Did It out of Guilt “God, I am one conniving bitch.”
Woman Spends Week Comforting Men in Her Life About the Tragic Loss of Her Rights “Dan really needed a hug today, I guess.”
‘Everything Happens for a Reason,’ Says Woman Who Has Never Actually Been Through Shit What would she know?
Fibonacci Sequence! Day-Late Reply to Text Leads to Two-Day-Late Reply, Then Three-Day, and Onwards Math is all around us!
Aww! White Lady Still Thinks This Is Not Who We Are as a Nation Reporters calmly explained slavery, Jim Crow, poll taxes, grandfather clauses, Japanese internment, the Vietnam War, the Iraq War, and a few other things.
Boys Inspired to See That Someday They Can Grow Up to Be the Most Powerful Sexual Predator in America Boys everywhere rejoiced by lighting off fireworks and becoming brazenly touchy with the people around them.
REPORT: Quality of Cups Going Down Exponentially as More Guests Arrive “Does no one bring their own glass to a party anymore? Jesus, people, prepare!”
Aww! Pregnant Wife Inspires Man to Start Training for Marathon Training is taking up the free time that could otherwise be spent doing literally anything to help his wife.
Woman Retires After Long, Fulfilling Life Spent Trying to Find a Job “Nadine will certainly be missed. She was always posting on LinkedIn.”
‘I Feel Like the Day Is Getting Away From Me,’ Says Woman Who Is Going to Sit Motionless for the Next Six Hours “There it goes,” Liv said cryptically at 4:30 p.m. once the sun had begun to set.
Woman Throws Duvet Cover in With Rest of Laundry Like Adding Shark to Fish Tank “She has to know that the duvet cover is going to eat those clothes up in seconds.”
Woman Will Complain About Tooth Pain to Everyone She Knows Except a Dentist She’s been brushing her teeth, waiting for things to improve, complaining about it, and that’s pretty much it.
Mom Calling Just to Tell You It’s Cold Out When you asked if she had anything else she wanted to talk about, she was confused.
Woman Pretty Sure 2024 Goals Can Still Be Squeezed Into Next Two Months “If I learn to code in the next week…”
REPORT: Woman Still Applying Sunscreen in Winter but Her Heart Isn’t in It “Times like these are when we separate the men from the boys.”
Woman Spends Entire Evening Deciding Whether She Should Work or Relax “I’ve settled on this in-between stage where I am wholly unfulfilled.”
Woman Returns for Second Coffee After First One Was Wasted Luxuriating in the Quiet Joy of the Morning “I sipped my coffee and reflected on my relationship with the universe. What a waste of time!”
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