REPORT: The Reason You’re Not Achieving Your Dreams Is Because You Don’t Email Good “Failure to achieve your dreams is a direct consequence of choosing ‘bye bye’ as your preferred email sign off.”
REPORT: Person From High School Who Just Endorsed Your Public Speaking Skills on LinkedIn Wants to Grab a Drink Sometime The reasoning behind this decision-making process has baffled researchers.
‘Just Going on a Quick Run!’ Texts Woman Who Should Have Specified It’s the Drug Kind “Why are you going so slow? And why have you stopped at Zaza Village?”
Friend Who Never Gets Political on Social Media Actually a Superhero Injustice-Fighting Vigilante in Her Free Time In a breaking news story that will certainly shock the world over, your friend Jasmine, who has never gotten political...
‘This Adderall Isn’t Doing Shit,’ Writes Woman on Billboard She Just Free Solo-ed She is 150 meters off the ground and just scaled the entire billboard in under 10 minutes.
‘I Could Really See Myself Living Here,’ Says Woman in Most Expensive Neighborhood of City She’s Visiting When asked what about the city really resonated with her, Tasha said it was mostly the big houses and expensive cars.
Woman’s Entire Belief System Rattled After the Weather App Got the Weather Wrong “I’ve always abided by a strict, meteorology-based belief system.”
Man Who Doesn’t Believe in the Patriarchy Thinks Your Sigh Is Passive Aggressive and Your Resting Face Is Bitchy “The least women could do is smile, look nice, and not sigh so much. Oh, and obviously have sex with me.”
Woman Leaving for Trip Makes Sure Room Is Clean Enough That She Wouldn’t Be Embarrassed if She Died “If my mom comes in here after my tragic accident, I’d want her to see that I kept my living space clean, you know?”
‘This Would Kill a Victorian Child,’ Says Woman Talking a Lot of Shit for Someone Who Would Die Without Antidepressants A Victorian child would likely survive an encounter with Sprite, but the same may not be true if Maddie encountered Victoria-era medicine.
Stuffed Animals Starting to Worry They’re Responsible for Lack of Action Woman Is Getting “I just can’t imagine it’s making potential suitors feel ‘at home’ in this environment.”
Woman’s Journal Also Convenient Recap of Worst Moments in Her Life It’s an extremely worrying collection of times she probably should have sought professional help.
Woman Abandons Plan to Get in Shape Now That Olympics Are Over “It’s so important to be in shape, yes, but I’m realizing it’s actually not everything.”
Plant Probably Just Playing Dead You haven’t tended to it at all in recent memory, but it’s all part of the plant’s plan to “go method.”
Woman Waters Plants Just Enough That They’re Dying Slowly and Painfully She isn’t “great at keeping them alive” so much as “bad at letting them die.”
‘You’ll Never Be a Man,’ Says Transphobe Accidentally Affirming Trans Woman Nice job, Harold! That is technically correct!
Woman Avoids Tomorrow Indefinitely by Never Going to Sleep “Today will continue on for eternity, and tomorrow, along with its dreaded tasks, will be held forever at bay.”
Indie Friend Insists on Taking Photos Using Camera Obscura “You just don’t get results like this using a modern camera.”
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