In his seminal 2009 song “Sexy Bitch,” Akon croons, “She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before // Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore // I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful.” Now, over a decade later, he’s finally done it: He’s found the words to describe a woman without being disrespectful.
“I just didn’t have the necessary language back then,” Akon said on Monday during a live press conference he held to officially announce the new lyrics. “Without the right vocabulary, it can be hard to express yourself fully,” he added, “‘Damn, you’se a sexy bitch’ was all I knew. But now I see the error of my ways, and I apologize.”
Despite years of critical feedback from women around the world, what finally got Akon to take the first step was a chance encounter with two men he met after a performance in Miami. He was walking a few feet behind them when he heard one man call his ex “a hoe.” His friend promptly corrected him, “Nah, dude. We don’t use that word to describe women anymore.” Akon was shocked. “I was like damn,” he recalled, “It is about time to find the words to describe that girl without being disrespectful!”
Akon gave his new bros a quick fist bump and ran to the closest library he could find to sign up for a library card. For weeks he pored over dictionaries and scoured thesaurus.com. He even read some classic novels for inspiration. “Jane Austen was a real game changer for me,” he said, “Her descriptions are beautiful. Just heavenly.”
At last, the words finally appeared to Akon: “She’s a woman that I’ve seen and talked to before // No one compares, not that I would at all // I’ve finally found the words to describe this girl and be so respectful // Damn, you’se a brainy miss.”
Longtime fans of the artist were worried about how these new lyrics would affect this classic banger, but men around the world have been blasting the song with the new lyrics, earning Akon an official stamp of approval from his most loyal fanbase.
“I had no idea there were so many other words to describe women,” said Jared Michaels. “I’ve been getting way fewer dirty looks when talking to girls at parties!”
When asked about the lessons he’s learned from this experience, Akon took off his sunglasses and thought for a moment before saying, “You know, the problem really goes beyond just language and my description of just her, when you really think about it. I shouldn’t have even entertained the thought of comparing her to another woman. And you know what? I got to know the woman who I so carelessly described as a ‘neighborhood whore’. Her name is Tara and we host a feminist book club together every month now.”