The Charmin bears have been dancing and singing on national television for decades now, bragging about their clean asses to the most vulnerable populations in our country. Really, Charmin bears? Is that what our children need to hear about right now?
Yes, we live in an ass-obsessed culture, I’m sick and tired of hearing about their pervy little bear butts every time I turn on the TV. Their humor is exclusively scatological and it’s sickening.
Frankly, their whole schtick is a poor reflection on animals and animal lovers, who don’t need to go on and on about their pet’s poop or their poop. Yes, poop is a part of life, but must we linger on it all day? If you are, maybe you’ve got mental problems like those bears.
These little exhibitionists are on YouTube, Instagram, print ads and more. I swear to god, one day I’m going to go in my bathroom, and there will be a Charmin bear, in the flesh, shoving their squeaky clean bleached asshole in my face. Keep your weird sexual stuff to yourself, you horny little bear!
And we get it. You like the finer things in life – expensive, fluffy toilet paper. But shame on you, Charmin bears, for making broke people wiping with thin sheets feel “less than” when most children don’t even get a decent breakfast in the morning. This is how your butt stuff is ruining our country.
And you’re not fooling us, by the way. We see you. You. Are. Bears. You go doo-doo in the woods, rub your little butts on a tree and go about your day. You’re not even qualified to speak on this topic. You don’t see me in commercials, perched atop a rock grabbing freshwater salmon from a raging river talking about how great my catches are, do you?
Get out of our lives, Charmin bears. Your whole family has problems. Big ones. I dare you to go on TV and talk about something other than taking a dump. Do us a solid. Stop.