So you farted. Big deal, right? Well, not if it was a ghost coming out of your bootyhole!
What’s a bootyhole ghost? Girl, you better sit down. You may think your body is normal, but we’re here to tell you something that will literally have you spooked. Here’s everything you need to know in order to tell if you’re farting normally or if tiny lil’ ghosts are running out your bootyhole.
Ghosts in my where?
That’s right. Over 75% of all sexually active adults will experience a ghost in their bootyhole at some point in their lifetimes. Bootyhole ghosts usually occur when a person ingests haunted food, like an apple with a sad fisherman’s widow ghost stuck inside or a baked brie with the ghost of a Confederate soldier. Food can become contaminated by ghosts during the prep process, so make sure to wash your hands before cooking — traces of human remains are literally everywhere. Don’t prepare food on surfaces that were used to amputate limbs during the Civil War. Come on, you know that!
In rare instances, bootyhole ghosts can be contracted if you poop somewhere haunted, like a graveyard or a field. If you must poop somewhere haunted, make sure you pull up your pants real quick. There could be a ghost trying to wriggle inside your bootyhole!
What should non-ghost farts be like?
A normal fart can be loud and odorless or silent but deadly. High-decibel, room-temperature farts with no odor are caused by carbonated beverages, eating while talking, and nerves. Quiet, hot farts are usually the by-product of a large, dairy-heavy meal or an unspecified food allergy. Any fart that’s warm, loud, quiet, or room temperature probably just a regular ol’ fart, not one of those ghosts coming out of your bootyhole-type farts.
How will I know if it’s a ghost running out my bootyhole?
A ghost coming out of your bootyhole is characterized by a rush of cold air, a high whining sound, and a sudden feeling of emptiness and sadness. Remember: Farts are never cold. The coldness is from the ghost. If you hear a high-pitched whine, like your bootyhole doesn’t want to do its homework, that’s a telltale sign that you have a bootyhole ghost, and it wants your help finding its bones. You’ll just need to monitor your condition with the help of a good parapsychologist until all the ghosts run out your bootyhole. Lastly, if you feel sad all of a sudden in your butt or a chill running down your tailbone, it could be because a ghost is acting out its death inside your bootyhole. That could go on for a while. All you can do is wait until he dies in battle a few times.
Remember: A ghost running out your bootyhole does not mean you’re a bad person. It just means there’s a ghost in your bootyhole.