How to Eat Lunch at Your Desk So Silently That You Cease to Exist

You’re a good employee who would never dream of venturing beyond your desk during lunch hour. But eating lunch in your cubicle presents its own challenges: How do you sustain yourself while making so little noise that it’s almost like you aren’t there at all? Never fear! Here are some tips for eating lunch at your desk so silently that you actually cease to exist.


Don’t Bring Something That Requires Too Much Preparation

Come lunchtime, you don’t want to alert everyone to your presence with a flurry of activity. Whatever food you bring, make sure you prepare it at home so that you’ll be able to reduce your sensorial impact on those around you. Remember—you must not be a distraction, even when fulfilling a human need! Try to make so little noise extracting your wee meal from your purse that you will start to blur at your edges, an indiscernible nonhuman presence who always gets her spreadsheets in on time.


Take Very, Very Small Bites

You may think crunchy foods like celery, potato chips, and iceberg lettuce are big no-nos, but you can actually eat them as long as you take tiny, almost pointlessly small bites, you nonexistent little office mouse! Fade into the background by delicately nibbling a sandwich, covertly consuming some soup, or picking at a yogurt until the bites don’t taste like anything and your lunch break ends without you having finished your food. If a woman eats alone in an office park and nobody hears her, did she even eat at all?


Sip a Smoothie

A smoothie is the perfect way to “eat” your lunch without making any noise and not deriving any satisfaction from your meal. If you drink it quietly enough, it will almost be as though your office has a magical work-doing ghost, with no basic human needs for sustenance. Just remember: no slurping, or everyone will realize you’re there! Just throw it away once it starts making sounds like a good girl who has ceased to exist!



If You Have to Make a Personal Call During Lunch, Go Where No One Can Find You

To be a truly silent, emotionless presence haunting your workspace, make calls where no one can see you or hear you, somewhere where your coworkers can forget that you ever existed. Try going outside, digging a six-foot hole in the ground, hopping in it, and slowly burying yourself as you catch up with your old friend, who is slowly forgetting you because you are ceasing to exist. And when you’re done, get back to work!


If you follow these steps, you’ll be able to nourish yourself so indecipherably that you will fade into the ether. Like any good employee, it’s important to prove that you aren’t a human being… and also nail the big meeting with the new client!