How to Lick an Envelope Without Looking Too Slutty

You’ve finally snagged the ideal office job and your performance is impressive. But if you’re wondering why aren’t your coworkers showing you respect, the reason could be right at the tip of your tongue! You stuff about 20 envelopes a day and don’t want to be giving anyone in the office the wrong impression. Here are some tips on how to lick and seal envelopes without looking too slutty.


Little Dabs

Instead of slobbering all over the flap like you’re trying to give the envelope a hard-on, try making little dabs with just the tip of your tongue until every bit of the adhesive strip is sticky. Sure, this may not be the quickest method, but unless you want everyone around you to assume you’re trying to seduce your boss, it’s your best bet.


A Few Big Blots

Instead of licking the envelope up and down like some kind of downtown hussy, strategically wet the flap, section by section. Simply keep your tongue in place, if you can manage, and blot the envelope flap in three or four places to ensure a proper seal. Now you won’t give anyone the wrong idea, you little tramp.


Hide Under Your Desk

So you don’t want to look slutty, but you’re pressed for time! If you absolutely must lick a pile of envelopes like some sort of harlot, find a cozy spot underneath your desk to hide in shame while you show those envelopes a good time. Controversy avoided—unless your boss catches you hiding under your desk making out with envelopes, showing him that’s just the kind of woman you are!



Use a Tiny Lil’ Squeeze Bottle

If you still can’t manage to seal your envelopes without looking like a total whore, invest in a little squeeze bottle and squeeze until the water moistens the sponge tip. Sure, you probably won’t get the thrill you get out making tongue-to-paper contact, but at least your coworkers won’t assume you have insatiable lust for flesh. Phew!


Licking envelopes is natural and healthy, but it doesn’t mean you have to go around showing it off in an office environment! With this simple guide, you will advance your career and command the admiration you deserve–without giving the wrong impression!