How To Wear Sneakers Without Looking Like A Human Dump

Do you want your feet to feel comfortable when you’re out and about, but have a hard time rocking kicks without looking like a pile of feces? Follow these simple tips for wearing sneakers in style!


Wear them with a dress!

You might think the easiest way to make sneakers work is to wear them with workout clothes, but there’s an easier way: Toss on your little black dress and rock those sneaks on the way to girls night out! When people see that hot little number, they’ll momentarily forget that you look like a pile of turds coming out of a butthole that is wearing sneakers for some reason.


Distract with bodily fluids!

Nothing distracts from your dumpy sneaks like puking or crying! The second the waterworks and retching start, people on the street will look up at your face instead of down at your perplexing footwear choice. Even if he does see, that cute guy in your building might think you need those Nikes to level yourself while you’re ralphing all over the city! These sneakers sure make sense now!



Get a job and commute to it.

One of the few things that make wearing sneakers great is when you’re so tired from work that you barely have time to go shopping, much less put an outfit together. Pop ’em on with a skirt suit and head to your new job, and then maybe people will overlook the human poopness of your footwear and focus on your career!


Be a dog or baby or baby dog.

You wanna look cute AND comfy? Simple! Turn into a puppy or an orphan and get adopted by a rich lady or old man and get dressed up! You’ll be melting hearts in no time with that smushy pitbull face and adorable puppy-sized New Balances! Guys won’t be able to look away when you start talking about the photography studio you’re going to start one day because you’ll be a talking dog wearing sneakers…and you’ll be killin’ it, girl! Plus, no one talks shit on dogs or babies, even if they take literal dumps on themselves, which to be honest is kinda what you’re doing with this look.


Obviously, if you don’t want to look like a dump, you shouldn’t wear sneaks. But if you must, try these techniques to look a little less like a human dump!