It’s 8 AM, and it’s go-time for a high-powered businesswoman like you. You’ve just finished your morning breakfast of a pot of black coffee with three Splendas and are about to get dressed. You take out the Vince Camuto power dress you bought for half price at a sample sale and as you reach for the zipper, you picture yourself at the front of the boardroom presenting the Powerpoint that your unpaid intern just pulled an all-nighter to create. You’re picturing them giving you a standing ovation when — shit, you can’t reach the zipper. You try again, this time doing something weird to your shoulder. You sigh and reach for a blazer to hide the fact that despite being a successful, powerful, independent woman with a six-figure income, you still can’t get ready in the morning without a partner to zip your dress.
Here are some classic jackets to hide the shame until you can get to your after-hours therapist.
1. The “I don’t need a man, but I do want one” Blazer (Theory, $435)
Need to command authority as the only woman sitting on the board of a Fortune 500 company? This Theory blazer says, “I have an MBA from Harvard and 13 years of management experience.” It also hides the unzipped zipper that says, “I haven’t had sex since before the crash.” They may not see your toned arms, but at least they won’t see your failures.
2. The “People rely on me, but who can I rely on?” Blazer (Armani, $170)
Are you at a medical conference presenting a paper on new low-cost preventative care strategies that will change women’s lives in developing countries, but are embarrassed because you couldn’t button the top of your first-world dress? You know, the dress that cost as much as the gross metropolitan product of the village you saved? This Armani blazer says, “I’m an important woman who is not at all afraid of dying alone and being eaten by my cats.”
3. The “Why do those teen girls get to experience motherhood and I don’t?” Blazer (Prada, price upon request)
Are you a state senator who needs to give a speech on how your new outreach program will help young mothers develop career skills? Does the back of your dress have a larger gap than the difference in wages between childless women with college degrees and single mothers under 25? This Prada blazer says, “I’m a good person, but I wished someone loved me so that I could zip my dress.”
4. The “I’m very sexual. Men enjoy my sex.” Blazer (Gucci, $2,900)
Need a blazer that shows you’re open for business, but in a way that’s work appropriate? For the mid-size business accountant who’s aspiring to be a big-size business accountant, this Gucci blazer shows a calculated effort to hide the worst margin of error you’ve made all day. This piece says, “One day I’ll be able to file jointly with someone I have sex with, but today is not that day.”
5. The “It’s too hard to date in this city” Blazer (Burberry, $3,595)
Are you a big-time Los Angeles TV exec who’s about to greenlight the newest lady-duo comedy that will change the television landscape, but all the 5 AM yoga in the world couldn’t train you to twist your way through zipping up your dress? Here is a transparent rain jacket by Burberry that is in no way an actual blazer. It’s office-appropriate because LA is edgy and full of shallow men who only want women who wear see-through clothes. You will die in this coat.
Just because they see you crying alone over your lunch-smoothie doesn’t mean they have to know you’re alone! You go, business girl!