Being a woman is a lot of work. You are definitely an independent woman in every way, but you also need some help finding weed right now. In these moments of struggle, there is one thing you must remember: You’re a fearless, feminist goddess every second of every day, even when you have to ask men how to get weed and who to call and what kind to get and how much it should cost and what to smoke it out of also maybe you act a little flirtier than normal to pull this one off. Here’s how to stay true to yourself when you wanna get stoned out of your mind.
Pepper in quotes from powerful women of history
You are a wildly willful woman, and don’t you ever forget that. No man can tame you, though many have tried. But until tonight, your boyfriends usually found the weed, bought it, packed it, and presented it to your face. So when you have to dig deep in your phone and call your ex to figure out who he got his dank kush from, have a few flash cards of important female quotes at the ready. After he gives you the information you need, sternly pronounce, “‘I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.’ Louisa May Alcott.” Then murmur “thank you” and hang up.
Let the music speak for you.
The number your ex gave you wouldn’t answer your calls because they have a lengthy approval process for new customers, and you don’t want to call your ex back to ask for a reco. You now must reach out to the pothead dude you knew from college who was super annoying, but definitely knows how to get weed. While he goes into overwhelming detail over Google Voice about the different strains, types of highs, and edibles, listen closely, but play Pussy Riot songs very loudly in the background. Never forget that you are an outstanding vessel of feminine power, even when you are pretending to care about what a lame dude is talking about.
Make sure you’re paying fairly.
You finally found a delivery service that doesn’t terrify you as much, but now you have to ask your man-neighbor how much you should be paying. Then when the dealer gets there, you will be well informed on exactly what the men pay and demand your price. You will pay nothing less and nothing more because equality is the foundation of feminism and, again, you are a feminist—and a damn good one at that. Keep this in mind when the dealer informs you that your neighbor’s rate is actually a bulk discount.
Dominate the weed.
You’ve finally reached a new level of achievement: You have weed! But now you need to ask this dealer what’s the best way to smoke it. While he answers, begin hiding the weed in your vagina like Broad City to remind it—and him—who’s boss. Men don’t have vaginas, so you’ve surpassed them with a whole new degree of success. All praise the feminine glory!
So next time you have 420 questions to ask about 420, be brave and turn to all the cousins, ex-coworkers, and pizza delivery guys you know. They will be there to help you, and you will be there to help remind them of Emma Watson’s “He for She” movement which they can get involved with by checking out the website and really learning about ways to actively support the feminist cause. Women don’t need help ever, except when they do. Just be a real woman about it!