While dating a tall man has always been my goal, it has recently come to my attention that this man actually has to be within a very specific height range. He must be taller than me, of course, but he absolutely cannot be tall enough to have a bird’s eye view of the copious amounts of dandruff flaking from my scalp.
Well, there go my dreams of being with Jacob Elordi!
Even before I was aware of my major dandruff problem, I wasn’t totally comfortable with the idea of a man always viewing me scalp down, anyway. I would never list “from directly above” as one of my most flattering angles, but little did I know, that angle was even worse than I thought.
It all came into stark, painful clarity when the 6’ 4” man I was dating made a passing comment about the state of my dome: “I get a little dandruff from time to time too, you should try Head & Shoulders, it really helps!”
Obviously, I had to break up with him immediately, but his words still left a lasting scar that impacts my dating prospects to this day.
Before “the incident” I was strictly a “6’0” and above” girlie, but now I’m solely in the market for a man no taller than 5’11” and am even semi-willing to go as short as 5’9”. I know. That’s what an incurable case of flaky scalp will do to a girl.
I mean I haven’t actually tried to cure my dandruff, per se. I have way too much pride to give my ex’s Head & Shoulders suggestion a shot. I found it much more prudent and tolerable to completely alter my taste in men. I’m now willing to give a “short king” a chance, as they say. But, like I said, he still has to be taller than me. I still have a shred of my dignity intact.
There’s a happy medium when it comes to men’s heights, and I’m determined to find him and make him my happy medium.
So far, the options have been bleak. Every man who says he’s 5’11” on dating apps is really 5’9” at best. And any man who says he’s 5’9” …well, let’s just say I’ve seen what 5’6” looks like, and there’s nothing “kingly” about lying.
But I’m not giving up – I’m determined to find that man whose eyeline rests just above my own, and just below my hairline and the copious amount of dandruff that lies above. But once I find that man and make him mine…that’s when the real game begins. I will dedicate my life to hiding my dandruff from him, never letting him get too close or seeing me for who I truly am. Because god forbid my objectively kind ex was right and I should’ve just picked up a bottle of Head & Shoulders. It can’t be that simple.
