In a testament to the stories we tell ourselves, 24-year-old Rhiannon Weisz is currently filing her taxes and grumbling about how “school never taught us the important, useful things,” as if she remembers literally anything from school at all.
“It’s just so frustrating that we had to learn algebra, but no one thought to teach me how to do my taxes,” Rhiannon told reporters gathered at the scene, where she had 17 YouTube videos open about “self-employment write-offs.”
When pressed on whether she remembered algebra, Rhiannon replied, “Yeah, a bit! Like, most of it.” However, a quick test revealed she remembered none of it.
“I’m just sure that I would have internalized a lesson about taxes instead of zoning out during our English classes about The Outsiders,” Rhiannon continued, as if she remembered any of The Outsiders or any other important lessons she learned pre-2019.
When asked how many branches there are in the US government, Rhiannon confidently answered, “Five. See! If I had just spent that energy learning something useful like mortgage rates, maybe I’d be in a different place right now.”
“We definitely did teach her about mortgage rates,” Rhiannon’s high school personal finance teacher, Mr. Howard, told reporters. “Did she forget about the mortgage rate stuff? Damn, that was one of the most important units of our class.”
Rhiannon confirmed that she didn’t remember “the mortgage rate stuff,” but offered the defense that it was “like nine years ago at this point. How am I expected to remember stuff from nine years ago? That’d be crazy.”
Seemingly unaware that she had just refuted her own argument, Rhiannon took to Twitter to say, “school is so useless. Wish they had taught me about taxes instead of the rivers in Mesopotamia, which I also cannot really recall at this time.”
“Wait a second,” Mr. Howard continued. “Now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure I did teach her how to file her taxes. Sure, it was unconventional to add it to the curriculum and I got reprimanded by the school board for it, but I figured it would be useful life knowledge for my students.”
When informed that she had been taught how to do her taxes, Rhiannon replied, “What? In Mr. Howard’s class? Oh, yeah, I pretty much always slept through that.”
