Study Finds Direct Correlation Between Depression, Not Having a Friend With a Boat

At the culmination of a ten-year study on depression, researchers discovered that while depression can stem from myriad factors, a majority of depressed people in the U.S. do not have a friend with a really good boat.


“We saw this trend across race, gender, and income level,” says Dr. Shaina Matheson, lead researcher on the study. “People who had friends with boats were more likely to have positive views on themselves and a more positive outlook on the world. They were also way more likely to go on boats.”


Researchers noted that people who own boats but aren’t rich enough to have someone else maintain them did not see the same benefits as their friends without boats.



“The key was being able to get drunk on a boat with little to no cost or responsibility,” adds Dr. Matheson. “We’re trying to discover what is going on from a neurological standpoint, but we’re pretty sure it’s just because not being on a boat is pretty fucking depressing.”


As depression is linked to additional health risks and a lack of productivity, this discovery may lead to more institutional investment in getting your friend a pretty sweet boat.


“But we can’t emphasize enough,” said one researcher. “An outboard motor absolutely doesn’t count, and you WILL remain depressed.”