Senate Enters Bitter Confirmation Battle About Whether ‘Drivers License’ is a Bop

In an early sign of trouble for unity in Congress, the evenly-split 50-50 Senate has become completely deadlocked as Republicans refuse to confirm that “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo is a bop.


A defiant Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell took to the Senate floor and shared how “drivers license”—a minimalist power ballad about the High School Musical: The Musical: The Series star’s heartbreak—is incompatible with his originalist interpretation of the word “bop”.


“Let’s be clear about one thing: no one is arguing whether ‘drivers license’ slaps,” McConnell said. “But simply slapping does not, and cannot, automatically qualify a song as a bop. ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac slaps, for example. Is it a bop? What about Adele’s ‘Someone Like You?’ If my Democrat colleagues had their way, there would be no end to this—and the definition of ‘bop’ would be irrevocably destroyed.”


Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer spoke on behalf of the Democrats, who are united in their support for “drivers license,” and Olivia Rodrigo in general.


“My Republican colleagues would have you believe that ‘drivers license’ cannot be a bop simply because of its melancholy tone,” Leader Schumer asserted in a forceful floor speech. “This implies a laughably narrow definition of ‘bop’ that ignores decades of precedent.”


Senator Schumer continued to press the issue as a Senate aide set up a 5’ x 5’ cardstock diagram of other “sadbops” from the last couple of decades.


“There’s a rich history in this country of songs that both get you in your feels and hit different at the club,” Schumer insisted. “‘The One That Got Away’ by Katy Perry. ‘Dancing on My Own’ by Robyn. Even Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’—a song not a single Democrat, Republican, or Independent would deny was the definitive bop of 2003—is ultimately about the inevitable failure of an unhappy relationship. I submit that ‘drivers license’ continues in that grand tradition.”



In order to overcome the filibuster and move forward with the “drivers license” bop confirmation, the Democrats must persuade at least ten Republicans to join them in voting “Yea.” But their prospects looked dim as even moderate Republicans did not signal enthusiasm for the bop movement.


“I have grave concerns about the consequences if we fail to give ‘drivers license’ the credit it deserves,” Republican Senator Susan Collins said in a statement to the press. “But when the nation is so divided—liberals versus conservatives, Rodrigo stans versus [Sabrina] Carpenter stans—I question whether now is the right time to classify it as a bop.”


At press time, the Senate tabled the motion and moved on to unanimously confirm by voice vote that “prom dress” by mxmtoon is a bop.