According to new findings by Stanford University, no matter how much soap you use to scrub your ass, it will still smell like ass.
The two-year-study included 2500 participants with asses of all sizes and diet types.
Prior research indicates that people with a rank ass get called for second interviews less and receive lower pay than people who have fresh-smelling butts. “We also hypothesized that the bigger asses would hold a stench longer, since most of our team have small butts that we previously believed did not stink.” Shaking her head, she adds, “Boy, were we wrong.”
The study included three groups—one control and two experimental groups. Participants in the control group were instructed to wash their asses as usual. In the first group, participants had their butts washed for them at special centers set up in their neighborhoods. The second group self-washed their anuses twice a day with a proprietary cocktail of Ivory soap, Dr. Bronner’s, and salt.
“We expected that the experimental groups would have the cleanest smelling asses, but all asses did indeed stink,” reports Heisman. “We were disappointed, but the results were conclusive: Ass stinks. What a day that was.”
Erica Phillips, a 26-year-old participant from Missouri, thought the study might help find a way to control her ass stench. “I just wanted it to smell fresh, like a field of flowers,” she says. “But I still smell like a field of butts.”
Phillips used the soap cocktail, which she said “burned a little bit.”
“We’re not going to give up,” says Heisman. “Everyone deserves the same opportunity for a clean-smelling butt, although apparently no one on Earth has yet to achieve it.”