Biden Assures Nation He’ll Send $2,000 Stimulus as Soon as His Direct Deposit Hits

In a relatively unconvincing pledge, a visibly desperate President Biden insisted to the entire population of the United States that he’s “totally good” for the $2,000 stimulus that the Democrats had been promising, but just needs “a couple extra weeks to work out the cash flow situation.”


Biden promised that his reticence to send the relief checks had nothing to do with political will, and everything to do with the fact that he’s been between jobs since January 2017 and just needs a minute to breathe and bulk up his savings account.


“Like, on paper, sure, I make $400,000 a year,” Biden conceded to the general public. “But I don’t get my first paycheck until the 31st, and even that will be prorated because I didn’t work the full two weeks of the pay period. So I can probably get you the money by then, but it would probably be ideal for me to hold off until like mid-Feb, if that’s chill with you.”


Biden also apologized for his general lack of clear communication about the COVID relief package, citing the fact that his “personal life has been all over the place” thus far in 2021.


“I just moved to a new place, started a new gig, witnessed a violent insurrection in protest of my imminent ascent to power,” Biden listed while absentmindedly signing a pile of executive orders. “I’m really sorry for not following up, but I haven’t even replied to all my ‘congratulations on winning the election’ and ‘happy birthday’ emails—you should see my inbox.”


“Shit, speaking of, I gotta tell USPS to reroute my mail,” Biden realized before scribbling a note on his extensive to-do list.


Biden has touted $2,000 stimulus checks as one of many achievements he intends to complete before the end of his first 100 days in office. Other items include delivering the COVID-19 vaccine to 100 million Americans, passing a sweeping infrastructure package, and getting a guy from Spectrum to come down to the White House and reset the Wi-Fi because the outgoing Trump administration never shared the password.


“The country needs to heal, and I intend to work tirelessly to achieve that goal,” Biden declared confidently. “But also, no one’s told me how I can log into the White House Slack channel, and it feels like it’s probably pretty important that I get fully onboarded before I try to go around doing president stuff.”


At press time, Biden announced that expanding Obamacare to include a public option would have to wait until someone from HR gives him admin privileges on