Why “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Makes Me Miss the Gentlemanly Date Rapists of Yore
When I ask my gentleman caller, “Say, what’s in this drink?” he just says, “Rohypnol.” Men these days!
How D’Angelo Released My First Orgasm In Fifteen Years
As soon as I hit play on Black Messiah, I knew exactly what was to come: me, alone in my bathroom, several times.
I’m Just Trying To Spread Some Fucking Holiday Cheer in This Office
Everyone in this office has forgotten that it’s the most fuck-damn wonderful time of the year.
Why I’m Making My Kids Go to School on a Snow Day
Alaska is all snow – do you think those kids stay home every snow day? Figure it out!
As a Working Mom, I Don’t Have the Time or Patience for This Home Invasion
I am very busy, as evidenced by the child dangling off my nipple as I type this urgent work email.
How To Know When It’s Time To Leave My Husband
End things before things get worse and I start calling your place of business.
Why Do All The Men I Meet At Bars Turn Out To Be Drunks?
You would assume the men at bars are quality, old-fashioned, scotch-sipping Don Draper types.
I Hope My Kids Spread My Ashes in Sephora
Let them spread my mortal coil along the pristine white aisles.
Moms! Do You Know what Your Children are Communicating with Me Telepathically?
Are you watching what they’re doing with their minds?!
Turns Out These Seasonally Scented Candles Don’t Fix All My Problems
When you least expect it, “Icicle Bliss” might just be “Icicle Wow, I Feel Nothing.”
I Thought Uber was a Dating App
This guy was Uber cute, Uber sweet and he didn’t seem to mind that I kept falling asleep.
Every Morning, I Wake Up With More Glitter On
I’m starting to look like a goddamn Christmas tree again.
No One In this Support Group Cares About My Sugar Addiction
Here’s my rock bottom: I used to mix Reese’s Pieces and gummy bears in with my kettle corn.
People Think I’m A Free Spirit, But It’s Just My ADHD
I don’t follow any spiritual path, because I can’t really follow anything for more than a few minutes at a time.
My Lumbersexual Left Me For a Basic Birch
I couldn’t be sidelined for such a bland, simple cut of wood.
If I Seem Frantic, it’s Just ’Cause I’m Panicking about Everything!
It’s nothing. Just a mix of rage and fear and confusion and violent shame and this gun I found.
I’m Glad We Broke Up And I Will Do Anything to Prove It
I mean, what else can I fucking do to show how cool I am about all this?