Hey! What’s it been? Years since we dated and months since you were finally forced to block me on Instagram for ceaselessly fire reacting to your stories? Well, look at us now! Coincidentally at the same coffee shop that’s right next to your house. It’s a happy accident, really, because I’ve been meaning to come back into your life, not because I’ve changed or grown, but rather to tell you how well I’m doing.
I’ve missed you deeply, so I figured it would be the perfect time to pop back in and give you a rundown of how everything is awesome for me now and not allow you any space to speak. Would that be okay? Anyway, I’m doing great, and things are only expected to go up from here. Remember how you left me because of my inability to process or recognize my own emotions? Well, now I have a bunch of money!
There are a lot of people who really like me now, and I need you to know that so badly that it wakes me up in the middle of the night. As soon as you see just how mid-sized my apartment is, you’re going to beg me to reconsider getting back together. And to be clear, the answer is yes.
You should know that it really hurt my feelings when our relationship ended and you said I “have a lot of growing up and internal reflection to do before I should be legally allowed to enter into another one.” In fact, it hurt my feelings so bad, I decided not to internalize it at all. Instead, I’ve been channeling my energy into NFTs. That’s right, NFTs! And you’re looking at one of the largest NFT investors in the city or county, depending on who else is here.
You dumping me was actually the best thing that happened to me, because it’s how I found my boys! That’s right, I have a group of guy friends in their mid-to-late 20s who love to accumulate wealth and discuss crypto and that’s pretty much it. Bet I don’t seem like an “emotionally-stunted narcissist” now, huh? What does that mean, by the way?
Ah, I’ve got to go! My Uber Black has just arrived outside. It’s a Tesla or Tesla equivalent. So nice catching up, though! Oh, and by the way: I am engaged. Call me!
