What’s up, coronadudes and coronadudettes? It’s me again, the only writer on this site with balls (metaphorical balls haha!!! I’m smart). And boy, do I have a lot to say. It’s come to my attention that our nation’s healthcare workers are being neglected. During a global pandemic, medical workers are not being provided with the PPE (which sounds like a sex thing but really just stands for personal protective equipment) they they need to stay safe and healthy. And to me, that’s pretty wack. That’s why I’ve decided to take a stand: in solidarity with our brave nurses, I will not be using protection myself, either.
I mean, let’s get real, it’s not like I’m getting laid right now. I’ve been isolating at home with my two roommates Sean and Shawn and our iguana Delilah (#quaranteam). But if I was banging on a regular basis, which is what I do when things are normal, I would absolutely be going raw dog. Why should I, a regular ol’ guy, be able to protect myself from disease when our country’s heroes aren’t being given the tools to do so? I support our troops!
I guess I should get real about something else too: I wasn’t ever really wearing protection to begin with. Wearing a condom is like staying indoors for two months with a molting iguana and two roomies with the same name, one who doesn’t really shower that much: not that fun and a kinda smelly.
Why take the risk, you ask? Well first off, I’ve never met any girl who doesn’t have and IED or whatever they’re called. I haven’t asked specifically, but I feel okay in assuming. Secondly, I’m not afraid of getting a disease. I mean, at least not a sexually transmitted one. That would make for a funny story. I am super afraid of getting corona, which is why I’m so serious about sticking up for the medical staff who are working so hard to fight it.
I heard chlamydia isn’t even that bad, though.
When it comes down to it, I’ve always been the type of guy to stand up for what is right. I found a LiveStrong bracelet at a dorm party one time and wore it for the rest of the semester. I believe in LGBTQ rights, even though I thought Brokeback Mountain was kind of gross. I even used a Black Lives Matter hashtag once to impress a girl. That’s why I absolutely refuse to compromise my morals by using any kind of protection for myself until courageous warriors at the front line of the COVID-19 epidemic are provided with some.
And probably not afterwards either, if we’re being honest.
