If I’m being honest, I never really ‘got’ weddings and never really understood why marriage is good. One person for the rest of my life? Uh, no thanks. My mindset has always been, “My dick does what it wants,” you know? That was until I went to Caroline and Sam’s wedding, where Brett gave a hilarious best man speech! I’m actually still laughing thinking about it.
I feel like all the best man speeches I’ve seen have been really, like, emotional and boring. That’s not my style. But Brett was not afraid to go in, dude. I don’t even think he knows Caroline that well but he was roasting the shit out of her! And out of Sam too. Haha. That fucker deserved it.
Brett, if you’re reading this, I loved the part when you were talking about the guys Caroline has slept with. And then you talked about all the uglier girls that Sam fucked, too! Oh man, he really fucked some ugly girls. I literally almost fell out my chair. You’re actually so funny, dude, you should try comedy or something like that. Seriously. I legit almost shit myself.
I know everyone got kinda mad at you for being ‘rude’ and ‘disrespectful’ and ‘really drunk’ but I also felt like Sam’s parents needed to know about that time he peed off a roof into an old lady’s garden during Phi Delt’s spring philanthropy event in 2010. It was so funny and remembering it at his wedding made it fucking insanely funny. Hell yeah, Brett! Dude, I’m only going to another wedding if you’re there. But also, no homo. I just fucking love marriage.
I guess to all the guys out there who are supposed to give best man speeches and are pussying out by trying to seem like nice guys, I just want to say: Be more like Brett. Seriously, that dude fucking gets it! Who cares that he got kicked out for making the bride cry?