Did you know that you can be drunk not only tonight or tomorrow, but actually throughout your entire 20s – those 10 years where nobody makes any sense and life itself feels like a maze on fire from which you must escape? If you’re thinking, “Yes, exactly. But how?” don’t worry. We’ve got your back with these simple tips for remaining drunk for the whole decade.
Pace yourself throughout the decade.
You don’t want to start off drinking too fast at the beginning of your 20s, because you’ll burn out too soon and have to face the rest of the decade sober, which is the healthier option but also the one of last resort. Simply stick to one drink per hour every hour for 10 years. After that amount of time, you’ll no longer be in your 20s, drunk or confused. You’ll be a wiser woman able to look back and say, “I was drunk throughout most of that.” When you’re drunk all the time, it’s important to be in the moment.
Rehydrate every year or so.
The most important tip for staying drunk throughout your 20s is to constantly rehydrate. Every year or so, take a minute to yourself and think, “Hm, what’s going on with my life?” then take a big sip of water. Without this step, you risk spending your next decade peeing stuff the color of apple juice. Even worse than being totally adrift is having a bad headache and peeing Mott’s apple juice from not hydrating. Take a moment to enjoy where you’re at right now!
Also eat continuously.
Much like you’re drinking continuously, also eat continuously. Your body needs sustenance to soak up an entire your 20s worth of alcohol, so make sure the food is hearty – pizza, focaccia bread, instant orzo, basically whatever. You can buy five boxes of veggie rotini for $1 when they’re on sale, so maybe do that. Just put food in, then also put alcohol in. There you go! You’re 30 now.
Let panic guide most of your decisions.
As long as the guiding principle in your life is utter panic, you should have no issues remaining drunk throughout the rest of your 20s.
If you’d like to remain drunk throughout the rest of your 20s but feel daunted by how long a time that is, no worries. Just follow these tips and you’ll be prepped to spend your 30s drunk and high and mostly asleep!