How to Know When It’s Time to Leave My Husband

When you love someone dearly but the spark between you is gone, it can be hard to know if your relationship with my husband has run its course, Denise. Sometimes you can’t tell if it’s the normal cooling-down of a long-term relationship, or if something’s fundamentally missing from your flagrant ongoing affair with my husband, who has a heart condition. If you’re feeling unsure if it’s time to end things before things get worse and I start calling your place of business, the Edible Arrangements on Parkside Avenue, here are a few red flags to look for that may signal that the end is nigh:

 

One of you is more invested than the other in this home-wrecking relationship.

If one of you keeps forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, other anniversaries, and the fact that infidelity has been considered a major trespass in most societies, perhaps it’s time to break things off. A relationship only functions when both parties are actively contributing to it, so if your lover’s attention is elsewhere, say, with his son, whose braces were installed incorrectly, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

 

You’ve been scoping out other options of homes to wreck.

If you’ve suddenly developed a wandering eye to match your other eye that is also rolling around in your skull desperately searching for a committed man, it might be time to have a serious talk with my husband about the state of your union. Nobody can be everything to their partner, as I’ve learned the hard way (a surprise FedEx delivery of a “fuck swing”), but the positives should outweigh the negatives enough to keep you from straying. If my husband can’t maintain your interest, then perhaps it’s time you start seeing other women’s husbands.

 

Your home-wrecking sex has become routine.

The secretive late-night phone sex in our guest bathroom has given way to disinterested midday sexting during our son’s bocce scrimmages. It’s normal for the raging fire of a new affair to die down into something more like glowing coals, but if all that’s left of your intimacy is a pile of ashes, then maybe stop trying to have sex with those ashes when those ashes are already signed up for a controversial electroshock couple’s therapy with their wife. Sexual incompatibility is not something you can negotiate your way out of, so if you’re not right together, it’s best to move on to your next spectacular act of violence against an innocent family.

 

 

One of you keeps threatening to end the home-wrecking.

Perhaps one of you is maintaining control over the other by threatening to go back to their family. Or perhaps the fear of being alone is the only thing keeping you together with my husband, who has the mind of a dehydrated child. In any event, once the specter of splitting up casts a shadow on your union, it’s usually a sign that something has to give. Maybe you should follow through on your threats and jump into the ocean, which Dan probably couldn’t even find on a map.

 

If any of these signs ring a bell, it’s time you had a serious look at whether or not my husband still loves you, Denise Harcourt of 196 Pine Street. Or at the very least, make sure he takes his Crestor when he’s staying at “the office till late.”

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