In an alarming story out of Los Angeles, your friend Alicia Hayes sat you down to vent about some drama that “happened to her” over the weekend, but it soon dawned on you that your friend was not the victim in the toxic situation she described.
According to sources, Alicia told of an extremely toxic clusterfuck of events she played a very active role in orchestrating – involving an ex being invited to a party without prior notice, read receipts being turned off and on, separate group chats, several clandestine hookups, a doxx threat, and screenshots being sent to the wrong party – all of which ended in a heartbroken housemate finally having to move out.
“Of course this would happen to me,” Alicia said, although literally nothing actually seemed to happen to her at all, and she was the one making everything happen here.
Even with the interwoven plot line involving eight different people, it was absolutely crystal-clear she was the villain in her story.
Witnesses report, you made an uncomfortable noise, and began asking clarifying questions to advocate for your friend, like, “Wait, so Ellie sent the screenshots, right?”
“No, I did,” Alicia said, frowning.
“But not on purpose, though, right?”
Sources say you recruited all your brainpower to uncover some subtle reason in the story in which you could possibly imagine that your friend really was the innocent party in the situation. However, your imagination is reportedly rich but not that rich, and the sheer weight of the facts made it impossible to ignore the truth that your friend was entirely on some bullshit right now.
“Yeah, that definitely sounds like a toxic situation,” you finally said, without identifying who the toxic person was.
“Soooo toxic. I mean, can you believe Ellie?” Alicia said, although it seemed to you that she should be comping Ellie for her future therapy sessions.
At press time, your friend took your lack of enthusiastic agreement with her as further evidence of the universe’s ruthless campaign of personal attacks on her specifically.
