It’s that time again: shower time with your significant other. It’s hot, it’s sexy, but 20 minutes later, the only part on your body that has gotten any scrubbing is your boobs. And you gotta go to work without smelling weird or contracting a yeast infection. But you don’t want him to see you awkwardly scrubbing away up in that ass, so what’s a girl to do?! Here are a few sneaky moves you can use to clean the rest of the non-boob parts of your body:
The Slip-And-Fall Wash
We all know nothing says cute, quirky, and sexy like a pratfall! Look at My Best Friend’s Wedding, or any early episode of The New Girl! Your tatas are covered in soap. You’re naked as hell. Just slip, fall, wiggle around as if you’re “trying to get up” and get some suds on other regions of your body. Any hand-on-anus action will look like a klutzy mistake. Do it a few times and you’ll be squeaky clean all over. Just make sure your boobs flop around a lot in the process so his eyes stay trained on them, and not on you hurriedly rubbing your labia.
During the shower, surprise your man by forcing him to motorboat you when he least expects it. He’ll be too busy rubbing more soap on your fun bags to see it coming! While he’s rubbing the booby soap out of his eyes, you can quickly squirt some soap wherever else needs cleaning and go to town! Clean your cooch like it’s about to become illegal, and then the minute his vision comes back, stop or you’ll ruin all the sexy. You’ll be 40% more clean than you were a second ago, without ever letting him see that you scrubbed your butthole with his loofah.
The “Is There An Intruder?”
This one should be used when you need more than a few seconds to get clean. When you notice your breasts are going numb from all the manhandling and your armpit smell is beginning to make you faint, simply “hear something” in the living room. Your man will insist it’s nothing, but have him throw on a towel and check because you “swear” you heard something like shattering glass. When he’s gone, take a little more time to really clean your stank and get feeling back in your chest. By the time he gets back, you’ll be ready for round two of boob washing.
The “Let Me Get Your Back”
Whisper a sexy, “Here, let me soap your back,” and then while balancing on one foot, take a washcloth with your toes and scrub his back while trying to wash the rest of your body QUIETLY with your hands. Those who do yoga are better equipped for this move. But you can resort to The Slip-and-Fall if this move backfires.
The Sneak Back
Once you both are finished showering/boob rubbing, pretend you forgot something in the bathroom. Push him out the door and lock it. Then take a second shower, and scrub your dirty, filthy body. He might suspect you’re cleaning yourself again and he might even yell, “We don’t have to shower together if you’re gonna keep doing this!”
As long as he doesn’t see you clean those dirty, smelly under-parts, it’s like it never happened. But for god’s sake, never let him know what goes on in there!