You did it! After months of endless crying fits and terrifying plots to win him back, you finally got over that asshole Tom. If he ever thought there was a chance of getting back together, he’s crazy! But also he should definitely let you know because maybe you’d consider it. Here are some great ways to kick him to the curb, but not too far into the street:
Make sure he sees you on Tinder. Since potential matches are based on proximity to the user’s location, only hang out within a one-mile radius of him to guarantee your profile pops up every time he’s on. It sends the message that you’re having so much fun swiping that D, but it also implies you’re still available (not that it matters or anything, because it doesn’t. Because you’re over it.). Be sure to leave some vague, passive-aggressive line in your bio like, “Message me if you actually know what and where the clitoris is.” Maybe he’s learned by now?
Rebound with a girl. Now is the perfect opportunity to finally explore your half-baked bi-curiosity. By showing up to parties flaunting your new happy relationship with Morgan, your ex will definitely get the hint that you’ve moved on with someone way hotter, but haven’t yet touched another dick. When he asks when you realized you were gay, make sure you reference the Kinsey Scale and how we all fall on a spectrum. “Sexuality is fluid, you know? Just like life. Just like love.” Just like you guys maybe getting back together!
Have indifferent sex with him. Elie Wiesel said it best: “The opposite of love isn’t hate: It’s fucking your ex and leaving right after.” Show him how chill you are about this breakup by continuously riding his dick indifferently. As long as you couldn’t be more apathetic during or after sex, your ex will know he doesn’t stand a chance of getting back together. You’re not leaving in shambles because he insisted on spooning you the entire night. Not at all. Because you’re so completely over it. Totally indifferent. Well okay, but only if he’s little spoon.
And while I’m already here and devoting unwanted thought to him, allow me to just explicitly say: Hey Tom. I’m completely over you. The only reason I’ve even thought about you is because you popped up on my Tinder after I hung out in the coffee shop under your apartment for a few days. The default pic on your profile is average at best. Just letting you know I’ve found love again with Morgan. She’s a girl, by the way. You know that threesome you always wanted? Maybe. We’ll see, I could take it or leave it. Anyhow, call me sometime or don’t. Whatever. I’m indifferent. I love you, though.