Hey guys, thanks for replying “Attending” to my Evite. Next week’s potluck is def going to rule. But there’s one important rule I ask all party guests to abide by: I’m trying to live a stress-free life, so whatever you do, please don’t tell these Kevins about my party because they are not invited:
One time, this particular Kevin served his houseguests orange slices like we were goddamn children on a soccer team. If he came to my party, he would just dork it up with fruit snacks or some other horrible snack choice. Fuck this Kevin and his shitty snack choices.
I fucked this guy once. It’s awkward. I can’t go to that 7-Eleven ever again.
So done with Kevin. So over him. I don’t even care that he is dating Julie. Was she my best friend for years before I ever made out with Kevin at Bonnaroo? Yeah. Is she my friend anymore? No. DO I CARE?! OBVS NOT. I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM AND THIS BETRAYAL DEF DID NOT INFLUENCE MY TOTAL DISDAIN FOR ALL KEVINS.
I’m convinced and worried that his middle name is something like Kyle or Kraydon in which case his initials would be KKK. I can’t be associated with such racism again.
He is a fictional character from a movie and his attendance would greatly confuse my sense of reality. NO THANKS.
Everyone knows that Kev is basically a baby. He is frail, weak of heart, and cries a lot. I can’t have this baby at my party.
Oh, what a fancy dandy Lord Sir Kevin is! How gracious of him to consider my humble party! Please, Lord Sir, come down from your kingdom’s tower and grace us with your presence most fair. PSYCHE. U R NOT WELCOME.
Just because he spells it differently doesn’t mean he isn’t a Kevin. I can spot a Kevin from a couple miles away, like at least four miles away. I don’t trust grown men named Kevon. I just don’t.
Kevin the Squatter
Ugh, not this guy again. If anyone sees this guy at my party, please throw him out. Honestly, how many times do I have to tell him that I am deeply offended by his life choices and he is not welcome in my home? I don’t even want to talk about this Kevin.
Kevin from the movie We Need to Talk About Kevin
That kid was fucked up. I mean did you see that movie? Daaaamn. Again, as I was just reminded by my therapist, this Kevin is fictional and played by an actor. But Tilda Swin-Swin was a dream goddess in this movie and she is more than welcome to come to my party. Actually, all Tildas are welcome!
Spread the word. Except not to these Kevins. These Kevins are the worst. See you next week!!