Everyone talks about how hard it is to date in New York City, but I try not to buy into that cliché. How could it possibly be hard to meet eligible men when there’s a bar on every corner? If you wanna find love, you gotta pound the pavement, hit the pubs, and down as many shots as possible. Unfortunately, for some reason, all the men I meet turn out to be drunks. What am I doing wrong?
Since Tinder has pulled most of the socially awkward losers from the scene, you would assume the assortment of men left at the bar are quality, old-fashioned, scotch-sipping Don Draper types. The strong, stoic man who will stare for hours into his cocktail glass while you talk to him about the obscure dreams you had last night, then valiantly not try to fuck you, because of “whiskey-dick” (so sweet). Right?! There’s no shortage of men, I’m hooking up all the time. But, these relationships never seem to go any further than a couple late night trysts. Because all these men turn out to be drunks! What gives?!
Whether we meet at a post Wall Street lounge, a Williamsburg dive, or a sports bar in midtown – after 2 AM it seems to be exclusively drunks. I’ve scoured the best happy hours in the city, knowing that my financially secure soulmate could be there, drinking immediately after work like a responsible man with focus and goals. Alas, they all turn out to be the same, functioning or non-functioning, drunks. And soon after I drunkenly hook up with them, I’m greeted with flimsy excuses, emotional abandonment, and 1 AM texts asking, “Sup?”
Who would have thought I’d meet so many blottos at bars? I must be having some stroke of bad luck, because I’ve tried everything: drinking more so they seem less drunk, offering to meet at bars during the day, only talking to men who haven’t pissed themselves. I don’t have a clue as to why, but weeks after I meet these men I’m always left with a heart as bruised as my liver.
A friend of mine suggested that maybe I shouldn’t look to meet men at bars; that I should try the grocery store or a yoga class. Why? So I can meet guys who are obsessed with cooking food, or stretching? No thanks. Like I said, I’m looking for a real man. Besides, you can’t drink at yoga class.
I guess for now I’ll just keep drinking and searching. Leave a comment if you can think of a bar in this city that isn’t full of drunks.