HELP! My Roommate Said We Should Buy One Doughnut And Split It

Today, my roommate, best friend, confidant, and reality show-watching partner made a suggestion that shook the very foundation of our relationship, forcing me to doubt who she really is, what our friendship means, and why I have chosen to incarnate on this planet.


We were both walking down the street and agreed we were “craving something sweet” and walked into a local doughnut shop. Then as we were standing in line salivating at the selection, it happened – she suggested we buy one doughnut and split it.


That’s right – ONE. One doughnut for TWO PEOPLE.


When you agree to step into a doughnut shop with a friend, you have certain expectations. I was ready for her to say, “Sure!” or “Let’s split a dozen!” Instead, I gazed hopefully into the dark pits where her eyes once shimmered, and I heard her say the cursed words out loud: “Maybe we should just get one and split it.”


I was devastated.


It is a fact that half a doughnut is able to satisfy an adult human stomach if, and only if they have already eaten at least one-half of another doughnut. I thought my best friend knew that. Or should I say, ex-best friend?


She was once someone I could depend on; someone brilliant, someone sane. She was the type of person who would nod in agreement when you said, “Cookie dough tastes better raw.” But she has been replaced with someone else. That or this preposterous suggestion is some kind of cry for help. At this point, I’m not sure there’s anything I can do to save her from herself.



So I screamed at her: “You know the only appropriate time to split a doughnut is when the rest of the box is gone, there’s only one left, and you really want it, but you can tell your friend does too, so you offer to split it to prove that you are a good person!” as I shoved an entire maple doughnut into my mouth, sobbing. It seemed so patronizing to even say it out loud. I don’t think she heard me over the sound of chewing and my tearful pleas for sanity.


I’m sorry I cannot discuss this egregious event at greater length for it pains me to put it down here.


Now I have to look for a new best friend, and I’m afraid no one will be able to fill the hole she’s left in my heart. But I will try to fill that hole with as many doughnuts as possible.