Under-eye circles are such a drag! You may not have slept a full night in the past eight months, and your face may now look like it’s aged thirty years, but fixing under-eye circles isn’t as hard as you think! Here’s how to look more awake and alert by simply going back in time to when Obama was still our president.
This home remedy works wonders, and will lighten as well as soothe the under-eye skin. Put two chilled cucumber slices on your eyes for twenty minutes. Then call NASA, have them build a spaceship that can travel at the speed of light and go back to 2009 when Obama was sworn in. Listen to his inaugural speech, then just stay there for the next eight years, eating your eye cucumbers to stay alive. #Resist the present!
Sleep On Your Back and Add a Pillow
If you wake up with dark circles, chances are fluid is pooling under your eyes overnight. Next time you head to bed, try sleeping on your back, putting a second pillow under your head and repeating the mantra, “Barack Obama is our president, Barack Obama is our president” until you drift off in a lucid dream where he is actually still our president. Once dreaming, invite yourself to President Obama’s White House. Clap as he signs the Affordable Care Act, wins the Nobel Peace Prize and plays with Bo. My fellow Americans, we are refreshed!
Sodium causes you to retain water, not just in your body, but also under your eyes. Elimite salt from your diet to reduce puffiness and to leave yourself feeling revitalized. The next time you reach for a soft pretzel, reconsider and reach for the time-turner that Hermione uses in the Harry Potter books. She uses it to take more classes, but you can use it to travel back to 2012 when Obama announced his support of same-sex marriage! Yes we can (get rid of under-eye circles)!
Drink More Water
When you’re dehydrated, your body retains as much water as it can. So stay hydrated by drinking 64 ounces of water a day! Then, find a wormhole and travel to an alternate universe where there are no term limits and Obama is universally beloved as our best current option. You were right, Michelle, there is no limit to what a woman can accomplish! See you never, dark circles and also president-elect!
If for some reason you’re unable to time travel, rip out your eyeballs. Without eyes, people won’t notice your under-eye circles! Plus, you won’t have to watch the current president destroy literally everything Obama did to make Americans feel safe!