Let me set one thing straight: I’m ALL for taking down sexual abusers. But, given my insider knowledge that Luke in finance has sexually assaulted several women at our company, I must report these allegations are false. You see, one time in late 2014, Luke gave me his leftover fries from lunch. This is clear and indisputable evidence that Luke is in no way a sexual abuser.
Sexual assault his heinous. But if he’s my friend, like fry-sharing acquaintance Luke, I firmly believe there’s got to be another side of the story.
Let me paint a scenario for you. It was three-ish years ago, at about 1pm probably, and a kind-hearted Luke was finishing up his double bacon cheeseburger in the office kitchen. He belched a large belch, then apologized (another thing rapists NEVER do!!!). He was about to throw away his half-full (my worldview!) carton of fries, when I asked if I could have them. He looked at me and said, “Sure, Greta!” (Greta is not my name). I could tell by that interaction and that interaction alone that Luke was an upstanding feminist and total non-rapist.
Anyone who is generous enough to give a co-worker—essentially a stranger—his extra Wendy’s fries could have nothing but 100% consensual sexual encounters. Sorry, but one positive past behavior from a man speaks more loudly than sexual assault allegations. I don’t make the rules.
I’m a feminist. I think women deserve equal pay and at least a week off work after having a baby. But I also believe in a little something called gut instinct. Call it women’s intuition, but I know a sexual abuser when I see one. More often than not, it happens to be when I’m watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and Olivia Benson points to someone and says, “That’s the rapist.”
Here’s one thing I know about sex criminals: They always a) look creepy, and b) have given us, the audience, enough clues and backstory so that we can contextualized why and how they’ve committed a sex crime. Luke is honestly pretty good-looking, and given how generous he is with his leftover fries, it is literally impossible that he is a sexual offender. It’s really not that hard to understand.
Luke didn’t assault me, ERGO, he didn’t rape anyone. Got it? Ever taken a class called, uh, Logic 101? Yeah. Didn’t think so.