Why I’m Waiting Until Marriage Before I Gargle Balls

As a sex-positive feminist, I like a good casual fling as much as the next girl. But I was brought up to believe that there are certain experiences that are meant to be shared after marriage. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m waiting until my wedding night to gargle my husband’s nutsack for the very first time.


I know, I know; it’s “just” bubbling balls around, it doesn’t have to “mean” anything. But I want my first time shoving balls to the back of my throat to be special. In fact, I want every time I motorboat a scrotum to be special, something that’s just between me and my soulmate. My husband’s balls are just for me, and my tonsils are just for his balls. No swishing sack until the knot is tied.


Every girl has to decide for herself when it’s the right time to begin rinsing and rubbing his nuts on your uvula. But I can’t imagine gently gagging a sack that wouldn’t one day fertilize my eggs. I’ll admit, in the heat of the moment with other men, I’ve definitely been tempted to plug my esophagus with his sack and break this promise to myself. But I always think about how much more meaningful it’ll be with my beloved, and that strengthens my resolve. Also, I do deep-throat the shaft with just about anyone, which is still satisfying, even if it’s not the nut meal I crave.


No judgments on those who choose other lifestyles, but this is just my personal choice. If it’s not a deep commitment, I’m just not comfortable taking any old scrotum into my mouth and sort of swishing it around my gullet. If I’m gargling The Two, you gotta be The One.


There are health concerns worth considering as well. You may say you’re clean, but unless you’re my husband, how do I know whose maw those huevos have been in? I’m not looking for a throat infection.



It’s not that I think there’s any inherent shame in treating a man’s gonads like a hairy double lollipop, I just know too many smart girls who lost good relationships because for the man, it was all about getting her to gargle his goolies and then he’d peace out. If all a man is looking for is a one-night-teabag with no emotional connection, well, sorry, but that’s just not how I roll. I want to look deep into your eyes while I make tracheal love to your family jewels, and know that this thing we have is forever. So if you wanna dip your sweaty, hairy balls in my loving windpipe, put a ring on it!