Why I’m Waiting Until Marriage To Get A Divorce

White Woman Speaks:

I’m a normal 26-year-old woman with friends, a decent apartment, endless student loans, a few reliable fuck buddies, but there’s one thing I’m holding out for: I’m waiting until marriage to get divorced.


Are you shocked? You’re not alone. Whenever I tell this to a guy or even some of my supposedly progressive girlfriends they claim to have no idea what I’m talking about. But I believe that getting divorced outside of marriage is a huge mistake, and here’s why.


Some things are sacred.

I believe some things are special and holy and meant to occur only between married couples: pooping with the door open, not having sex, and getting divorced. A divorce is supposed to be a life-altering experience with torturous legal headaches, devastated children, and hurtful accusations. There’s an earned thrill and agony that comes with severing your life and assets from someone you once loved—but it’s only special if you put in the work! If you’re looking for a cheap thrill, go on a rollercoaster ride, or try anal, or just plain break up. But divorce is sacred, so save it for marriage!


It’s something to look forward to.

If you get divorced now, what do you have to look forward to? If you’re depending on the specter of divorce to keep your relationship exciting, it’s probably time to rethink the relationship. Everyone’s obsessed with instant gratification these days, but there are plenty of steps you’re skipping if you leap right to divorce. It’s important to take joy in all the milestones: awful drunken hookups, utter panic about the future, disappointing exclusivity conversations, unreciprocated oral sex, the morning-after pill, misinformed S&M experimentation, infidelity paranoia, abortions… the list goes on!



It’s what our parents did.

You may roll your eyes when people bring up the good old days, but as children of a divorced generation, none of us can deny that we know what true divorce looks like. When I was seven years old and my parents told me they were splitting up, I locked myself in my bathroom and vomit-cried for hours. Can you imagine how differently that would have played out if they had gotten divorced before they got married? I might not even be here. That divorce shaped me, and I hope to one day shape my children in that same way. Call me traditionalist, but divorcing while married is an American family value, just like having reciprocal oral sex in a parked car.


I want it to be with the right person.

Sure, you can divorce anyone, but it’s always going to be more rich and nuanced when you’re divorcing someone you’re truly in love with. Am I tempted? Of course. It’s hard not to get swept up and fantasize about filling out that paperwork! But I know that when I’m standing at the altar looking into the eyes of the person I will one day divorce, I’m going to be glad I waited. I won’t be comparing our divorce to another, or feeling guilty that our eventual divorce won’t be my first. With none of that anxiety clouding my consciousness, I’ll be able to fully enjoy myself at my wedding, and engage in nasty, experimental sex with my honey, just as we have since the day we laid eyes on each other.


So there you have it: I’m a girl with traditional ideas about divorce. If you don’t agree, you can sue me! Just know I won’t be going to court until AFTER I’m wed!