Picture this: A beautiful red carpet, cameras flashing, handsome men in tuxedos gracefully touching their own chin hair, a stunning actress in a pale pink gown begins walking up a slight step and then the world gasps because SHE FUCKING BITES IT!
This is like Christmas for me, a person who loves it when pretty young actresses fall down! These angels that fly among us sometimes fall and I can’t get enough of it. It’s been a while since Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars, so you better believe I’m watching every awards show with my face two inches away from the screen, begging, “Trip. Trip. Trip.” I’m thirstin’ hard!
Every time a celebrity falls down, I just know that the next two weeks of my life are set.
In the first glorious 24 hours, I’m glued to my twitter feed constantly refreshing the page with whatever hashtag has been assigned for said fall. Whether it’s #MaddonaFellOver, #ScarlettFalls, #TumblingSnooki, or #LindaTripps, I’m living for the Internet wordsmiths of the world to give me puns, quips, and gut-busting jokes about these angels’ missteps.
For the next few days, I’m calling everyone in my phone. It’s such a great way for me to get back in touch with people. For instance, my best friend from high school Teresa had a baby the same day Paris Hilton got her high heel caught in a Las Vegas sewer grate. Unfortunately, my nephew’s Lego Tournament wasn’t cancelled the day Russell Crowe stumbled outside of the Atlanta, Georgia Hard Rock Café, so I didn’t make it, but I did call the Atlanta Hard Rock and speak with every employee at length about what they were feeling.
After reconnecting with my loved ones, I find any meme of celebrities’ foolish falling faces that I can. Their contorted expressions, their flailing arms, and that wild and crazy text gives me the greatest high I’ve had since 2013 when I took shrooms and watched Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscar fall on repeat for five days straight.
Some people say, “Stars! They’re just like Us!” And those people are usually magazine headlines, but what I say back is that they aren’t like us. They are superhuman, they’ve got teams of people who follow them around, and they can lose and gain 30 pounds within one month. That’s why seeing them fall is the best possible thing that can happen to me. It’s like watching God sneeze and I for one would throw pepper in God’s nose to see more of that. Fingers crossed Gwyneth Paltrow wears a pair of too-tall heels on a set of too-slippery steps leading to a too-important event and Christmas comes early this year.