When my daughter is born next month, my husband and I have a very specific plan for how things are going to go down. Call the doula, fill up the birthing tub, allow her to rest on my chest before cutting the cord, and immediately pierce her tongue. For some reason, this last part of our plan has some of our acquaintances a bit rankled. Even though plenty of women (and some men) get their tongues pierced as adults, somehow it’s barbaric when a baby is involved. But I can assure you — my husband and I are doing this for the right reasons. Here’s why:
My husband and I are devout Juggalos, and we want to raise our daughter to whoop-whoop with the rest of the family. It’s important that our little dirtbag grows up with a solid understanding of our ideals, which include hanging out at Hot Topic but not buying anything, and suggestively licking at strangers across a crowded Applebee’s. A pierced tongue is about more than just cracked teeth and cranial abscesses—it’s about who you are and where you came from. And for us, our daughter came from my pussy, which is also pierced.
I have my tongue pierced, my mother had her tongue pierced, even my Uncle Flub had his tongue pierced. My husband’s family is the same way. Both of our families have the same values (bragging about how good we are at oral, Rob Zombie films, taking Halloween a little too seriously) and we feel it’s important to give our daughter a tangible connection to those values. We thought about letting her decide for herself when she gets older, but ultimately we think it’s better to do it before she’s old enough to remember the pain. I wish my mother had done that for me!
I want her to look like me.
It might not make sense, but that’s biology for you. It’s only natural to want your offspring to resemble you, both in facial structure and optional body modifications you get at the mall. I have a blue swirl ball on the end of my tongue piercing, and my husband has a yellow swirl ball, so we’re planning on giving her a green swirl ball. Maybe it’s a primal, animal-like thing for me to want to know she’s mine just by looking at her — my OB told me lots of mothers feel this way. She also advised against the piercing and has threatened to report my husband and I to child protection services. Uh, yeah right, doc! Try and get between a momma bear and her cub, and you’ll get the claws!
Aesthetics (aka they look good).
Plain and simple, tongue rings look tight as fuck. I love my daughter and want her to look dope 24/7.
So sure, maybe piercing the tongue of an infant isn’t necessarily what you consider to be a “good idea” or a “legal idea.” But unless you’re that lady from the government, what we do with our daughter is none of your business.