Congratulations! You’ve finally made it to the beach. Why not celebrate with a paperback novel that helps you forget how far women have come? Here are four juicy novels that won’t ruin your fun in the sun with a three-dimensional female protagonist or any trace of progressivism:
The Dresden Files Series
These novels by Jim Butcher follow the investigative hijinks of wizard-detective Harry Dresden. In each novel, Harry is faced with a new supernatural client who needs his help, experience, and good standing with the aptly named “White Council.” And never fear—the fact that not one of the novels passes the Bechdel Test means there won’t be a moment of empathy for the women involved. Do you typically spend most of your conversations with other women discussing boring stuff like work, current events, and literature? Then these books will provide the perfect escape as you loll on the sand, blissfully thoughtless!
Fifty Shades Of Grey Trilogy
This ubiquitous series teaches us that if you’ve fallen in love with a man, you can and will let him do whatever he wants to you. When asexual-but-sexily-named girl Anastasia Steele meets rich-but-sexy Christian Grey, she finally sort of gets her own identity. Sort of. Mmm. How’s that tan coming along?
On The Road
With Sal dipping his toes into the fountain of love along his travels, and Dean scooping up and dropping wives and kids like they were empty cigarette boxes, these guys’ disregard for women is almost… dare we say… steamy? Dean and Sal have a greater purpose, after all, which is to drive around and swindle people of all classes, backgrounds, and ideologies. You know that the road is no place for a volatile female like you, which is why you’re at the beach, yay!
This novel from the “Spenser” series by Robert B. Parker follows the male protagonist as he tracks a series of beautiful women, each more easily deceived than the next. In this quick but super fun read, you can easily discern the men from the women by their jaunty speech, while the women gush in long, meandering sentences and have comfortingly large tits. Speaking of tits, how great does that new bathing suit look on you? Could you have asked for a more perfect beach day?
Now is not the time for feminism. You’re on vacation, dammit, and your greater sense of ambition should be, too. So tell your self-worth to take a walk down the beach, then sit back, relax, and enjoy the yarns of a simpler, creepier time.