According to facial scientists, sleeping with your makeup on is the number one most preventable cause of visible signs of aging. And yet every woman’s favorite bedtime routine is passing out after seven glasses of wine and a marathon of Magnum, P.I, which leaves no room for things like “hygiene.” But still, it’s important to keep up appearances and convince your roommates that you care about your long-term skin health. Here are the top five makeup removers to have in your bathroom so nobody knows you’re disgusting.
1. Lancôme Bi-Facil Double-Action Eye Makeup Remover (Macy’s, $30)
This Lancôme specimen is called “double action,” which implies that not only do you take eye makeup removal seriously, you take it twice as seriously as the next bitch. This product in your cabinet proves that those speckled smudges below your lower lash line are a choice—a sexy one, like a hungover reality TV star. You’re not lazy; you’re a trendsetter!
2. Clinique Take The Day Off Makeup Remover for Lids, Lashes & Lips (Sephora, $19)
Lids, lashes, and lips. This hypoallergenic formula not only hypothetically cleans your eyes and eye-hairs, but it also removes makeup from lips, which is usually only done with a wadded-up paper towel, a late-night bodega sandwich, or an ill-advised Tinder hookup. No one who sees this in your bathroom could ever think you’re filthy—you remove makeup from three whole parts of your face!
3. Almay Gentle Eye Makeup Remover Pads (Ulta, $7.99)
These pads from Almay make you look busy—like you don’t have time to shop and use makeup remover plus little cotton rounds. You’re a fast-paced woman-about-town who needs them in one pink lady-package. This way, all your one-night stands would look efficient and not skanky, like the calcified remains of that Diorshow mascara. You’d think this would be easy enough for even a sloth like you to use, but let’s be real—you don’t feel like having a wet face right now! That’s a good enough reason to go to work looking like hell.
4. Boots Botanics All Bright Soothing Eye Makeup Remover (Target, $7.99)
Oooh, this one has flowers on the front! That will be lovely for your guests to look at while they pee. When you casually stand this bottle near your sink, you’ll be saying, “Hey, my weird smell and greasy face aren’t poor hygiene; they’re an all-natural choice which honors Mother Earth.” Good for you!
5. La Mer ‘The Cleansing Lotion’ (Nordstrom, $85)
“La Mer” is French for “I spent too much on this facial cleanser to not use it, but habits are habits, so y’all better look at this and be impressed by me.” And that’s why it’s the perfect product to fool everyone into thinking you have even the smallest amount of control over your behavior. You don’t care if you remove your makeup before you sleep on that dingy white pillowcase, but your friends might think you’re rich enough to have someone remove your makeup for you!
You went for a bold liquid cat eye tonight, and it’s starting to dust black flakes all over your cheeks, and you’re going to go pee anyway. This would be a perfect time to remove your makeup with any of these five fabulous products. No matter—Magnum, P.I. is on now. So, sweet dreams! Or shall we say, smeared dreams!