Just because your face, body, and overall personality pale in comparison to those of Jenny doesn’t mean that you can’t pamper yourself with a few luxury bath products. But it does mean that you will be doing the lotion a huge disservice by putting it on your dull, scaly body as opposed to Jenny’s luminescent one. Try out some of these amazing products, and imagine how much better they’d smell if Jenny used them.
1. La Mer’s The Moisturizing Soft Cream (Nordstrom, $310)
This lotion is expensive, but would be totally worth it if you were Jenny. The fresh scent of La Mer’s fine French skin pudding will bring you joy for a fleeting moment. That is, until Jenny walks by and you notice that she smells like the soft beckoning of a garden in the rain—even when she hasn’t showered for five days. Save this one for when you’re someone like Jenny.
2. Kiehl’s Deep Moisture Clarifying Cream (Kiehl’s, $58)
The crisp notes in this classic lotion will combine unfavorably with your sour stench and draw a lot of unnecessary attention to you. But hey—at least you’re getting attention! Finally, you’re the belle of the ball! Oh, nvm, Jenny just walked in and asked to borrow some moisturizer. This will smell way better on her, so you might as well scrub it off.
3. Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Cream (Sephora, $26)
If you’re looking for a body transformation, try Clinique, then consult every plastic surgeon in the phone book, then raise money for months of surgery, then give up because you can’t buy what Jenny has. While you’re at it, lock Jenny in a closet so that her presence can’t remind you of all your shortcomings and you can maybe enjoy something as simple as lotion for once.
4. Donna Karan Cashmere Mist Body Cleansing Lotion (Macy’s, $44)
On Jenny, this refreshing lotion complements her sweet-scented shoulders and incites spontaneous applause in passersby. With your skin, it may as well rot upon contact.
5. Gucci Bamboo Perfumed Body Lotion (Sephora, $55)
On Jenny, this body lotion leaves a tasteful sheen and an earthy scent. But you are not Jenny. On you, it just smells like lotion.
6. Marc Jacobs Decadence Body Lotion (Belk, $52)
This lotion smells like Marc Jacobs gathered flower petals from heaven and rubbed them delicately on Jenny’s epidermis while angels smiled down with adoration. That is—when this lotion is on Jenny.
Okay, it’s time to pick your favorite product and treat yourself! But when doing so, acknowledge that you are not and never will be Jenny and nothing will ever smell as good on you because she is better.