How to Hide Those Dark Secrets Under Your Eyes

Are you sick of your friends saying, “You look tired”? Are you equally sick of having those same friends peering in for a closer inspection and discovering the trove of secrets you’ve kept buried there? You’re not alone, girlfriend! Here are some tips for getting rid of the swollen bags of secrets under your eyes:


Lemon Juice

Our first solution has been in your fridge this whole time! Simply take a teaspoon of lemon juice, dab your ring finger in it, and apply the acid directly to the delicate skin of your eyes. “Won’t that hurt?” you ask? Will it hurt more than you hurt Julia? Will it? That’s right, scrub harder. You can’t be haunted by what you cannot see.



A quick swipe of anything with a gold shimmer followed by dabbing the affected guilt-ridden areas with foundation will help blend away those deep and terrifying secrets. People may still hear the wails of the tortured souls whose lives you ruined, but if you can live with that (and you know you can, you monster!) then you’re A-okay, girlfriend!



Wear a Full Mask

Mask, pantyhose, paper bag — your options are really endless. Shia LaBeouf did it, and he’s richer than you’ll be after those evil deeds you’ve done finally bear fruit. Just make sure there are no eyeholes, or everybody will know. Everybody will know what you did.


Live a Life of Solitude!

When living under the crushing weight of your hidden past becomes unbearable, you may want to seek professional treatment, stick to a vitamin-rich diet, or just go underground indefinitely. Cellars, particularly under a church or somewhere else the eyes of the judging won’t find you are a bold choice. Pair this option with a mask for a funky Phantom of the Opera vibe!


Remember, ladies: Those dark secrets under your eyes will only worsen with age as the burden of what you did weighs upon your soul. So cover it up! Push it way down where nobody will ever, ever, ever find it! That damned spot will be out in no time. No time at all.