In a stunning achievement for marine biologists the world over, a lab in Fort Pierce, FL announced today that they have finally captured footage of the elusive and mysterious “vagina fish,” which is a rare deep sea creature known for totally kind of looking like a pussy.
“We’re all just in shock,” said lead researcher Dr. Ben Krumholz. “I mean, it really looks like a vagina. We couldn’t be more pleased.”
So called because of its vulva-like appearance, the vagina fish has proven to be a slippery one when it comes to actually filming it. The creature lives at depths that cannot be reached by most ocean crafts, and certainly not by divers in wetsuits. For this reason, no one before today has been able to record footage of this prehistoric invertebrate.
“Sailors used to tell tall tales of the vagina fish,” says Dr. Claire Duffy, of the Ocean Research & Conservation Association, the lab responsible for the footage. “They’d sing sea shanties about vagina fish luring lonely sailors into the abyss. Of course, these stories were dismissed as the wild imaginations of sex-starved seamen.”
“We thought these legends might have some kernel of truth because of how universal they are,” says Krumholz. “Sailors from China to Portugal to Alaska have all passed down folklore about a glimmering, oval-shaped fish with a small cavity in the middle of its back.”
Historians and biologists maintained for centuries that the stories and scrimshaw drawings were just the products of horny men who missed sex, fantasizing about some form of relief, but as Krumholz says, “There really is a fish out there that looks like a human woman’s genitals.”
Although little is known about this creature, it is thought to grow up to five inches long, and primarily subsists by cannibalizing other vagina fish. “We were hoping to see two vagina fish battling it out and smashing into each other, just like the old shanties said,” says Krumholz, “but that’s a whole other mission. Just seeing these fish with our own eyes is a major accomplishment.”
The primary piece of equipment used in the expedition was the Eye-On-The-Vagina-Fish Deep Sea Camera, which was specially invented for this mission by Dr. Edith Widder. “You need a camera that will hold up to the atmospheric pressure, while still providing enough light to see through the vagina fish’s inky secretions.”
“When we saw that vagina fish glide into view…” Widder trails off. “I mean, every guy in the lab just went bonkers.”
“It was pandemonium,” says Duffy, one of only two women in the lab. “It does look very much like a vagina.”
ORCA encourages anyone who’s excited about this news to make a tax-deductible donation to support future programs. “Our next mission?” says Widder. “We’re gonna find that nipple anemone.”