6 Spells You Can Do With Your Vaginal Yeast

Yeast infections are probably the least magical part of modern womanhood. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Our vaginas are home to an untold number of spirits, and now, with this guide, your yeast infections can be full of magic too!


1. Weather-Controlling Spell

Whether you’re seeking rain (to get out of that beer-soaked picnic) or shine, your very own yeasty bits can do the trick. The magic trick, that is! Simply scoop some discharge out of your sacred cave, place it in your open palm, and blow it into the Northeastern wind, while imagining your ideal forecast. Blow hard, though—that discharge can be sticky!



2. Weight Loss Spell

When you are hexed with a yeast infection, use it as an opportunity to shrink your waist. Chant the incantation, “Candida, candida, candida!” while you run one mile. Do this each day, doubling your mileage every day. By the time your yeastie’s gone, you should have lost at least a few pounds! Thanks, magic!


3. Powerful Love Charm

There is no better time for a love potion than when the blood moon and your yeast infection coincide. When the clock strikes midnight, face your lover and recite the following words: “I have a yeast infection.” If he doesn’t immediately leave you, then you can be sure you have him under your spell!



4. The Unforgivable Curses from Harry Potter

This one’s simple: Wave the “Hermione’s wand” you ordered on Etsy, look down at your stinky nether region, and shout, “Imperio! Crucio! Avada Kedavra!” If the spells don’t work, then we have double bad news: You’re a Muggle, and your infection is resistant to antibiotics. Fucking yikes!


5. Get Rid of a Yeast Infection Spell

Just kidding! Nothing, not even magic, can help you with this. You are cursed with intermittent itching until it clears up on its own. You know that. Instead of attempting witchcraft, go buy some Monistat and pretend it works, just like you always do.


It’s that easy! Practice these spells and watch that itchy puss become a witchy puss!