Sorry I Can’t Go Out Tonight, I’m Fostering a Succulent

Ladies, first let me apologize. Something has come up and I can’t go out tonight. I know, I said I’d be there for sure this weekend, but I have a good reason to skip our social outing. I have a little one at home who I am fostering.


No—I’m not fostering a baby! And it’s not a dog or a cat. And no, Natasha, it’s not a bird—gross!


I’m fostering a succulent plant. And she needs my help and all my love.



I remember it so vividly: At 11:38 AM, I passed by Gary’s Organic Cacti and Plants. Now, I typically don’t stop at the latest farmers market stand, but there was a growing crowd around some bearded dudes slinging plants, so I had go see what was up.


And that’s when I saw her: Right in the middle of a group of succulents, I saw one that was shorter and skinnier than the rest. Her stems were a little fuzzy, and she had a beautiful laurel green color, with pinkish-purple tips. Instantly I thought, “I have to protect this little creature. She needs me.” I knew I couldn’t be her mother forever, as I’m not yet at the point of my life to become a caretaker long-term (I’m just too selfish and unsettled right now), but I thought, I can clear my weekends for a few months. After paying a $12 adoption fee, she was nestled in my tote, coming home with me.


Now, caring for a succulent is not something I take lightly. She doesn’t need water every day, just the days when her soil is dry. Oh, and getting the right amount of sunlight is tricky, too. She needs 4-6 hours of light, but no more or my little baby could get sick. Also I have to make sure not to knock her over when I’m drunk. That is a lot to keep in mind, but all of these responsibilities have changed me for the better.


It feels like things have changed between us friends, now that I’m a temporary cactus parent and you’re not. There feels like a gap in experience—not that I’m better than you for caring about a water-storing plant instead of just myself, just, y’know, different. Having my succulent has been so rewarding, and even though I’m sad to miss out on happy hour, this past week has been one of the best of my life.


I hope I can find a special mommy for her to eventually bring her home for good. Also in the meantime, I have made an adorable soup can pot for her that I found on Pinterest, took tons of pictures with several beams of sunlight, and of course Instagrammed all the pics with hashtags like #succulove and #houseplantsofinstagram. I guess you could call me a helicopter succulent foster parent!



I know it will be hard to say goodbye to her when the time comes. But sometimes we have to do what is right for the living thing we care for. You’ll understand when you’re a parent someday.


Maybe she’ll go to Mexico and live amongst animals on a farm. Maybe she’ll live in Beverly Hills outside a fancy mansion with lots of other plants of her own kind. The possibilities are endless for my baby succulent.


So I’m sorry everyone, but please understand why I can’t make it out tonight. I hope you guys can meet her before she finds her new special home. You’ll love her. In the meantime, take a shot for me and my tiny little time-limited succulent child tonight.