You just returned to the privacy of your bedroom after taking a long poop in the bathroom when it hits you again—you’re not done. There’s more in there and it’s coming fast. What’s the best way to let your roommates know that your sudden trip to the bathroom, mere minutes after the first one, isn’t more freakish poop? Here are some tips to save you the embarrassment of not getting it all out the first time so your roomies won’t think you’re a nasty-ass poop factory.
Slather on a face mask.
Sure, in the quickness of doing this you may get green face mask goo all over your door handles, but it’s worth it to make sure your roommate doesn’t know that there’s more poop in your lower intestine. Don’t exchange any words or else she may want to get in on your self-pampering ritual.
Loudly declare, “Hey I forgot, I bought toilet paper!”
You didn’t actually buy toilet paper (despite using the lion’s share of it), but the misdirect will remind you for later. She’ll think you’re a great roommate for remembering to pick some up, which means you can defecate in peace as the apartment hero. She’ll be pissed once she sees all the TP is gone, but hey, that’s tomorrow’s problem.
Take a shower.
You just took one this morning, but what’s grosser—a second shower or a second back-to-back dump? Shout, “Oh no, I spilled salad all over me!” and grab your towel. Turn on the shower and let loose. Bonus: You can get the bidet treatment post-poop! Who says the sequel is never better than the original?
Open the front door and let her dog run out.
You’re getting desperate, and all you can think about is the surplus poop in your butt. Let your pooch-loving roomie get some panic-cardio and she’ll never notice you ate all that cheesecake despite being severely lactose intolerant. Yes, her dog can run fast, but so can your butt. Let the little guy roam free as your colon frees itself.
Burn down the apartment.
Everyone knows you have to poop again. They just know. You feel their judging eyes boring a hole in your poop-filled body as if to say, “You’re a monster. A communal-bathroom-destroying monster. We’re going to kick you out.” You have no choice: Burn it all down and start over. Start with the bathroom—after what you did to it, it’ll go up like a match.
Use these tips with extreme caution as some are minor and others will change everything about your life. Having to go number two twice is a problem plaguing many roommates and can only be solved with the proper care and execution. Or maybe just get your own place next time around—that way you can poo-poo all day and all night!