In the year of our Lord 2021, there are more deviant sex acts for sinners to choose from than ever, and it’s all of our duty to discourage their use. While we would never condone carnal mischief, we wholly endorse vocabulary-oriented board games. So set your priorities straight with these sex acts that are sins to complete, but quite impressive to play in Scrabble.
Cunnilingus, 14 points
At some point or another during our time on Earth, most of God’s children stray from His light, but none so much as those who perform this lewd act. Our mouths were not made to do cunnilingus, but they were made to say, “Cunnilingus, 14 points!” while owning everyone at Scrabble. Your victory is His victory (as long as your victory isn’t expertly performed oral sex).
Quickie, 22 points
Having fast sex is not technically a sin if both parties are legally wed to each other, but calling it a “quickie” always is. While you will make God cry if you say and do quickies, you will only make your opponents cry when you play “quickie” in Scrabble for 22 points, and that will make God smile! It may seem like a lot to keep up with, but it’s pretty simple when you follow our golden rule: Sex is for spelling, not doing.
Asphyxiation, 27 points
Erotic asphyxiation is one of the most sinful forms of fornication two sex monsters can engage in and is even illegal in heaven where cunnilingus and quickies are fine. However, while asphyxiation will always make you lose in life, it will just as consistently make you win at Scrabble. In this way life and Scrabble are different.
Xerox, 19 points
“Xeroxing” may sound innocent enough to most, but to the sexually depraved it’s a clear reference to a sex act in which you sit on your partner and pretend you are using their body to scan an image of your butt. If you shudder to imagine such perversion, we’re right there with you, but that shouldn’t stop you from cleaning up with this dirty word on the Scrabble board. Make sure to look for flickers of recognition from your fellow players in order to know whose souls need extra praying for.
These four sex acts are as impressive to play in Scrabble as they are wicked to commit, so throw away the key to that chastity belt, then open up your mind to the world of words with x, q, or z in them. Whatever you do, don’t get any ideas!