Here’s How Often Happy Couples Have Sex and Then Tell Me to Stop Asking Them This

A healthy sex life can be the key to a happy relationship, but what exactly is the right amount of sex couples should be having? And why do they get so mad when I ask them this? I asked around to find the happiest of couples to completely badger about the consistency of their personal sex lives.


“Can you leave us alone, we’re trying to have a nice dinner,” said Anita Grunn after I ran up to her table on the second floor of the local Red Lobster, the happiest and sexiest place to find couples.


After getting a table for one right next to them, I was able to subtly bring up my research by asking, “How often are you having sex?” until they finally acknowledged me.


Most couples responded positively, while others said, “Why are you here?” or “I’m sorry, who do you work for?” or ripped up my questionnaire right in front of my face, which was pretty disrespectful. Come on people, I’m fun to chat with. Just tell me the dirty deets! This is for research, I swear.


I’m sorry, but why can’t I go up to people screaming “do you guys ever get into a sexual rut?” without them responding “who the hell are you? Josh call the cops!” It’s just so weird. I am a scientist.


After collecting enough data from many creeped out couples who threw drinks in my face, I can say that the happiest of them were having sex approximately one to two times a week. While this study just gives an outline for what’s healthy, ultimately it comes down to whatever feels normal to you. Normal to me is getting too deep and personal about sex with people I barely know. But not in a weird way, it’s just so I can write this article telling the whole world how often people fuck!



Just remember, consensual sex is nothing to be ashamed about. People should just lighten up and tell me all about how often they’re getting nasty with their significant others, even if I am just a total stranger taking detailed notes of what they say.


Having been kicked out of many coffee shops over this, I came to the realization that every relationship is different and most importantly, people do not like when a random person asks them about their sex lives.