Clogs! These adorable blocks of solid dense wood posing as footwear are just as stylish as they are detrimental to your downstairs neighbors’ sanity. With every step you’ll turn up the volume on your wardrobe while wreaking havoc on the concept of a peaceful living space for those unfortunate enough to have selected an apartment beneath your trendy toes! Here are five clogs your neighbors can’t live with, but you can’t live without!
- Gucci Amstel Platform (Nordstrom, $980)
This towering wooden platform clog features Gucci’s signature horsebit hardware that says, “Am I harboring a team of Clydesdales up here, or do I just have amazing style?” There’s nothing in your lease that says you can’t slowly pickpocket your neighbors of their sanity, so go ahead, give these kicks a whirl!
- Rendering Suede Clog (Free People, $168)
You’ll get a lot of bang (literally!) for your buck with this versatile pair from Free People. Part clog, part boot, part sandal, and all neighbors’-life-ruining noise-generator.
- Guiseppe Zanotti I55013 (Zappos, $995)
Oh, baby! No baby could sleep through a strut in these hot Guiseppe Zanottis! Hit the clubs in this season’s hottest elevated mules, and then elevate your neighbors’ blood pressure when you drunkenly stumble home at 2 AM. Also great for impromptu dance parties and dramatic post-holiday party breakups.
- Mille No. 6 New School Clog (Shopify/Mille, $275)
This edgy update to a classic clog is comfortable enough to wear all day, even in the house and late into the night! The solid block wedge is sure to reverberate as it collides incessantly with your hardwood floors. While repeated wear may cause your neighbors’ already rocky relationship to unravel, the minimalist stitching on these clogs never will!
- Belmont Clog (Free People, $128)
This retro-inspired blush suede sandal harkens back to a simpler time, like before you moved into the apartment building and all was right with the world. Or like when people used to go to malt shops or bowling. Seriously, is someone bowling up there? Because it sure sounds like it. Those old assholes will feel your wrath!
No matter your style, you’ll be sure to make a statement in these any of these adorable pairs of clogs. And that statement will be, “I AM THE WOMAN WHO WILL BE THE END OF JOHN AND MYRNA IN 2F.” Grab a pair and ruin some lives, girl!