Ominous Relationship Advice My Grandma Whispered to Me on Her Deathbed

My Grandma Dot passed last week, and while it’s been tough, I was lucky that I got to spend time with her in her final hours. Before she left this world, she gave me some unique love advice I’ve been trying to follow, since she was happily married to the same man for over sixty years. Maybe they could help you, too—or at least, maybe you could help me figure out what she was really saying. Here are Grandma Dot’s cryptic and terrifying words of wisdom:


“Don’t ever let them take your pearl.”

This was one of my grandma’s favorite lines. Anytime I told her about a boy I was dating, she warned me to keep my “pearl” close and safe. I figured this was her politely referring to my virginity, but then she’d say much more specific things, like, “No matter how handsome he is or how close his apartment is to the restaurant he chose, don’t go home with him—especially not if you’re holding your pearl! A real pearl.” Hm! It meant a lot to me that in her last few minutes in her mortal body, she put my virtue first (at least I think that’s what she meant). So I’m at least sort of trying to keep this in mind.


“Never wear red on a Thursday.”

At one point, Grandma Dot reached under her pillow and pulled out a hastily made needlepoint of this phrase (because of her deteriorating eyesight it read as very jagged and aggressive). Red was always my grandma’s favorite color—every single one of her kitchen appliances were cherry red (but she refused to cook one day out of the week). I miss Grandma Dot so much; I wish she were still here so I could ask her what the red thing was about.



“Miami to Houston. Flight 249. He is waiting.”

I can’t tell if this one is good or not. My grandma wintered in West Palm Beach, an hour away from Miami, because she wanted to be near the action but not “too close to the Easter Vacation riffraff.” She always wore little white gloves on a plane in order to “look like a lady even in death, should anything happen to the plane.” But…honestly what was she talking about? Who is waiting? And why? Maybe my future husband is into the Astros? Or some other thing from Houston? Or he’s a plane engineer? Or he just really likes airports? Grandma did always praise “a man with a hobby.” Should I get on this plane or???


“The box. Burn the box.”

A few months ago my grandma gave me a box of priceless and terrifying porcelain dolls, which now serves as the nightstand in my room. She told me to “display them proudly” and to “be careful of Genevieve’s left eye because it is wont to fall out.” She loved those dolls and I liked having them near to remind me of her without actually having to see them. As I prodded her for more relationship advice, she threw out this line about burning the box. I’m not really sure why that would help me find love, but I’ll burn them for you, Grandma.


In order to honor Grandma Dot’s legacy, I’ll do my best to use this advice to bring a husband into my life. If this ace of hearts mysteriously pinned to my pillow is any indication, she’s playing bridge and kicking some ass up in heaven! Love you Grandma Dot!